meditations of a blueberry

Sometimes life seems to rush past us faster than we can believe. Often, it is our own doing. We speed through our days, barely paying attention to the food that we are or aren't putting in our bodies. Our foot is heavy on the gas pedal of life and before we know it, we are barely noticing our surroundings. We speed along until something forces us to stop. That has been my life since joining TNT and having that amazing experience in Vancouver. While I wouldn't trade it for anything, I was so busy I couldn't think. The last 8 months since the marathon has been one thing going wrong after another. From major car issues and my health issues, to PPD and loved ones having health scares, bad things just keep happening. This last month has been the icing on the cake. In the midst of a very busy fall, cold snap and major winter storm, little man A developed croup so badly that in two days, we took him to the ER three different times (one at 3 am!). If that wasn't bad enough, bot...

I've always wanted a big family. For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed about hearing all those little feet running around my home. Mrblueberry and I agreed to four. So, when A was born I didn't have any doubt that we would try again after a couple of years. We thought the ideal spread would be three years between A and baby three. Fourteen months later and my nephew I is born. I'm smitten by the pictures and can't get enough. I haven't even met the sweet, little squish, and I'm in love! I realize I'm ready to start trying, a year earlier than planned. Mrblueberry agrees. But then, I spend the next month unsure about that decision and, on more than one occasion, think that maybe I am okay with just two children. I think that maybe I don't want more than two and maybe I can only handle two children.  What happened next, I did not expect. For both boys, it took seven months of trying to be successful. Seven months of charting and planning. Sev...

Being pregnant is a time like no other. It is wonderful and beautiful and scary and ugly all at the same time. There are changes happening to your body and to your mind. You're confused, amazed, determined, and trying to make the best decisions possible. And people throw information and opinions at you like they would throw water on you if you were on fire. Seriously. Being pregnant is like an invitation for hearing someone's opinion . Opinions that all start with "you should" or "you shouldn't." And what happens with all these opinions? They permeate your brain and without you even knowing it, they poison you. You start thinking "I shouldn't eat this," "I shouldn't need a nap," "I should feel this way," "I shouldn't feel this way," "I shouldn't wear this," etc, etc, etc. It's impossible to get away from, and truthfully, it continues far into motherhood. I often find myself thinking ...

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have family and friends who love me, children who are healthy and growing, a warm house to come home to, food on my table and in my belly. I've experienced hardship and loss, but I am still standing. No matter the dark forest that my life road has taken me through, I have emerged, sometimes beaten and bruised, but still alive.  I've written several times about my postpartum depression these past few months, and how I've finally found myself again after many months of not knowing where to look. There were many dark days. More than I care to admit. But no matter how dark the days seemed, my friends and family were always there shining a light and reaching out to help support me. In the darkest of times, a word, a hug, a smile that said "I'm here" helped to light the way. They picked me up and carried me when I had barely the strength to open my eyes. I'm not sure they realized the strength they gave to me by just remin...

http://leonaseikkailee.blogspot.ca/ Last month, I made a commitment to myself to go to hot yoga six days a week. It was hard as a busy mom of two even busier boys to make such a commitment, but mrblueberry helped me and encouraged me to go on days I didn't want to go. During those classes, I saw my body change and get stronger. As that happened, I found myself not only being able to go deeper into the poses, but also being able to let go and just focus on my breath. How freeing that was! I had always heard that yoga was good for the soul, but I didn't realize the emotional healing that could occur on the mat. Most classes, I set my intention for peace. But one class, I felt an overwhelming urge to set it for healing, so I did. It was the hardest class I had been to, and it was such an effort to get through each pose. About halfway through, each pose suddenly became easier. My breath came more smoothly, and the poses came easier. I left that class feeling invigorated and ex...

A very wise friend once told me that "Three is two with intent." I don't think wiser words have ever been spoken. E has been three for over a couple of months now, and I am (not so) slowly losing my mind. Sometimes, I even find myself wishing he was back in that hitting/pushing phase! Two wasn't easy, but it sure wasn't as hard or as terrible as I had imagined it being. Three is proving to be another story. When I was teaching my first year, I had an interesting class of grade ones. It was a small class, but it was a hard class. There were many behaviour and learning issues that were hard to address for a first year teacher, but I managed to do a decent job. Until Christmas. After Christmas, J showed up. He was just looking for someone to say NO to and it turned out that I was that perfect person. Within the first week, he showed himself to me and was the first student I ever had that said NO. I didn't know what to do. I tried my normal techniques, but nothi...

Dear my pre-children friends, I love you. I cherish your friendships and the memories we made before I had children. I love when we get to spend time together, or even just chat on the phone. I love hearing about your days and how you are excited for the things that are happening in your life. I rejoice when things are great, and cry for you when things don't go so well. A chat or visit from you can be just what my soul needs. I know we don't get to spend as much time together as we used to. And I'm sorry. But I need you to understand something. I'm tired. Really tired. My days are spent with two children who need me more than anyone or anything else needs me right now. In any given moment, I could be a teacher, a referee, a coach, a taxi driver, a lawyer, a gymnasium, a nurse, a maid, a cook, or a warm place to fall. The soundtrack of my day consists of fighting, crying, whining, laughing, and toddler I love yous. The scents of poop, pee, baby puke, and my ow...

Have you ever had one of those months when it doesn't seem like anything is going right? That was pretty much my whole summer. And it culminated with a week of heart ache, frustration, and emotion. To top it off, mrblueberry wasn't even home, though he was where he needed to be. In my own haze, I made a mistake. I missed replying to a text. A simple mistake, but one that I regret. A friend was in need, and I failed her. I've always tried to be there for friends, no matter my own situation at the time. This time it didn't happen. I guess this summer hit me harder than I thought.  Between everything that happened though, I managed to find myself again. I still lose her from time to time, but more often than not, when I look in the mirror, she's there. I'm not sure how I found her,  but somewhere amidst the camping and focusing on my family, she emerged bright and beautiful. I have learned some of my triggers that sends her away too which has made a difference in k...

Gratitude. Being grateful.  Appreciating what you have and not focusing on what you don't have. What does being grateful mean to you? Are you grateful every day? Is it something that you actively make a part of your life? Do you actively appreciate something every day or do you focus on what you can't or don't have? I have been doing the latter lately , and it has started to bring me down. I've been putting so much energy and thoughts into how things have been going wrong for me that I've been completely missing all the wonderful things that are going right. So, I've decided to start a gratitude journal . I've wanted to do it before, and I've started before. But, like many things in my life, I never follow through with it. This time I want to succeed. I've read that a gratitude journal can help with depression, and if it helps just a little, I want to do it. To make sure I stay accountable to it, I'm going to record it here once a we...

In the dark world of postpartum depression , there are good days, bad days, and mediocre days. On a good day, I feel fantastic. I feel like all of the darkness is a figment of my cruel imagination. I smile. I laugh. I feel peace. But on the bad days, I search for the light only to be met with dark. I'm alone in a never ending train tunnel, a deep chasm in the middle of night, a bottomless well with no visible way to get out no matter what I do. On the bad days, the rage boils under the surface and I feel like there is not a soul out there who understands. Most days, though, are mediocre. Most days have moments of light interspersed with dark. Most days I try to push through the dark and hold on to those moments of light. But, it can be so hard. There has been a lot of dark recently. These past few months have not been kind to me. From my injured knee to my uterine prolapse to postpartum depression to a constantly breaking down vehicle, I have felt like the world is out t...

Today, I had an appointment with the PCN clinic to assess me and see what kind of help I would best benefit from. I was incredibly nervous going in to the point where I felt that I was going to cry in the waiting room. When the lady came in and asked me if it was ok if a student joined her, I reluctantly agreed and became even more nervous. They asked me all these questions, and I had no idea how to answer them. You see, I am not very good at verbalizing my feelings. And today was a good day. So when they asked what I meant when I said that I didn't feel like myself, I couldn't answer them. And it wasn't because I didn't know them. Mrblueberry has asked me to explain postpartum depression several times before and I haven't known what to say to him either. Whenever I've thought about depression in the past, I've always likened it to someone feeling very sad. But that isn't it at all. I went through a mild period of depression when I was on hormonal birt...

Ever feel like you're floating in a sea of nothingness utterly alone? That's how I've been feeling. Occasionally, I feel and see others around me, but most of the time I feel like everyone is pushing me aside and ignoring me. I look around and see everyone going on with their lives, and here I am, standing in silent despair. I feel like nobody notices how furiously and desperately I am treading the stormy water that is my life. I just feel so damn alone . It's an odd feeling to feel that way when you are surrounded by so many people who care for you. I don't understand, and I feel terrible that I can't just "perk up" and get over it. Postpartum depression sucks. There is no other word for it. It sucks the life and happiness right out of me. I have brief moments of joy and happiness, but those moments don't often last long. My boys and family do make me happy, but I'm not sure I really feel that happiness. It is almost like I am looking ...

Sitting here in the blistering heat yesterday, I couldn't help but glance over at my medal and finishing picture from the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon . You would think that seeing it would be a reminder of the strength of my body. Instead, it was a reminder of its weaknesses. I didn't think about the hours and hours and hours of training I put in. I didn't think about the hundreds of kilometers I ran in preparation for running 21.1 kilometers. I didn't think about the thousands of dollars that I raised for blood cancer research for Team in Training . No, I didn't think about any of that. All I could think about when I see that medal are the weaknesses my body is now showing . I thought about the knee that is not yet fully healed (though close!). I thought about the abs that continue to be separated despite my dedication to doing the physiotherapy exercises. I thought about the prolapsed uterus that plagues my mind and makes me fearful for future pregnancies and bir...

How I've been feeling lately... Broken. I feel broken. Just a few short months ago, I felt strong. Able to do anything. A warrior. Today, I feel broken. Last week was not a great week in the blueberry household. We had a huge bill to fix our car, so huge that we've had to cancel a lot of plans for the summer (the Edmonton half included). And my week ended with an emotion filled doctor appointment that has me waiting for a lot of further testing. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. Either that, or curl up with a huge bottle of red wine, chocolate chip cookies, and Dirty Dancing. Why do I feel broken? On top of my knee issues that I'm (still) dealing with, I have an ab diastasis. If you don't know what that is, it is when your abs separate (usually in pregnancy). It means that my core is incredibly weak and has caused my back to overcompensate. It has likely also contributed to my knee issues. Oh and, unless I am actively engaging my ...

Injuries suck. There are no other words for them. I have been sidelined, unable to run, since the BMO half marathon, and I hate it. I have been riding my bike, walking, and going to yoga but it's just not the same. I want to run! I've slowly started running for 10 minutes at a time, but it's not enough. I see all my friends and loved ones going out and getting crazy sweat on and I want to join them so badly but can't. Not only am I missing the challenge for my body, I'm missing the camaraderie that exercise had become through TNT. It's so incredibly frustrating. I feel like I'm sitting here stagnant and floundering while everyone around me is progressing. I hate it! I can't even begin to imagine what frustration I would feel if I was injured as a professional athlete, it sucks enough just as me! I want to be out there running and challenging my body. I don't want to be taking it easy, worried about my knee. I'm scared that unless I get o...

Just after finishing! It's been one month since I had the experience of a lifetime--running in my first half marathon in Vancouver. It was beyond amazing, especially getting to experience it with my closest friends. Team in training is truly an amazing organization. Last November , I could barely run for three minutes at a time. Yet, three weeks ago I ran a half marathon . Amazing. Just amazing. I can't say enough good things about TNT. They helped turn this non-runner who hated running and thought it was a pointless way to exercise into a runner who can't wait to get out for a run, even during the bitter cold of an Edmonton winter . They helped me make my health and exercise a priority, all while raising money for a great cause. They helped me change my life. I can't thank TNT and my fantastic coaches enough for the difference they've made in my life. Exercise is now a part of my life that I look forward to and that my body craves. Running through pa...

I have two amazing and beautiful little boys. I have a husband who is supportive and loves me for who I am. I have family who loves me even though they know my worst traits. I have friends who stick by me and hold me up when I need it, even when I don't deserve it. By all measures, I should be the happiest girl in the world. But I'm not. And I don't know why. Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I am so utterly happy. Moments that the fog lifts and my world feels perfect. But they don't last. Soon enough, the fog returns, clouds darken my skies, and the moment ends. I find myself saying and doing things without thinking more often. My patience has grown so thin that the slightest transgression from my toddler has me losing it. I snap at my husband and friends for no reason. I feel so alone. And I hate it. If I'm being honest, I have been feeling this way for months. I've tried to bring it up with friends, but didn't want to face what they might...

Have you ever done or said something without thinking about how it would affect others? I have. Lots. Sometimes, more often than I like to admit, I say or do things and don't think any farther than how they will affect myself. Does this make me self-absorbed? Maybe. I'd like to think it makes me human, but I know not everyone has the same problem. You would think by now in my life I would learn to stop and think first. But it keeps happening. Perhaps that's a clue for me to reassess my own self. I made a mistake. And the first step to fixing a mistake is to own up to it. The second step is apologizing: I'm sorry. And the third step is to try to make sure it doesn't happen again. So here I am. Owning up to my mistake and apologizing. Those that know of the mistake know of the mistake. I won't rehash for all to see. But I did want to apologize here since here was where the mistake happened. I'd like to blame it on being an Aries or on any other number of thing...

Since my journey to the half marathon ended and injuring my kne e, I've been going to hot yoga. I love the silence and the time to just be. It has been a fantastic way to refresh my spirit and focus on "me" without any distractions. I have more energy, and I feel more at peace with myself every day. My patience has increased, my heart feels open, and my mind is slowly learning how to "slow down." Simply put, I love it. Today's class was a bit hard and had me feeling dizzy a couple of times between postures. At the end, while we were laying in savasana the instructor read us the below quote: As he spoke it, I felt he was speaking directly to me. Even though I was surrounded by 25 other people, it felt like his words were meant for my heart alone. The last month has been an emotion filled roller coaster. The ups and downs have been fast and furious with the fundraising, half marathon, reaching my weight loss goal, and hurting my knee. There h...

The TNT Prairies team bright and early before the race! What a journey . My body is tired, achy, and sore...and I am so incredibly proud of it. Sunday was the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon and I rocked it. I ran 21.1 km through the intense pain of an injured knee. I finished with a time that I never imagined was possible, especially with an injury. I ran for 2 hours and 26 minutes, barely taking any walk breaks since every time I walked, the pain in my knee tripled when I started running again. I fought back tears throughout the entire race, not only from the pain, but because I was in such shock that I was actually running along with 15,000 other people. I may be stubborn, but I've never seen something like this through to the end. So the fact that I actually did is amazing to me. I don't know how many times I felt the emotions start to overtake me, especially near the end. Near the start of the race It felt like it took forever for the race to start after the gun wen...

I have two boys. Two very busy boys. One almost three old who is still learning boundaries, and one ten month old who has decided he's older than he is and wants to continuously tackle his older brother. I feel like all I do all day is put out fires. I'm a snack dispensing, diaper changing, owie kissing, mess cleaning, baby saving machine who lives on Starbucks coffee more often than I'd like to admit. But all the stress, all the frustration, and all the sleep deprivation is worth it when I hear giggling and turn around to see this:  And there we have it. That's why I wanted more than one child. 

In November, I embarked on a journey that would change my life. A journey that would train my body and my mind to push me to places I never in my wildest dreams thought were possible. A journey that would result in a smaller body, but a stronger body. A journey that I thought would culminate with the half marathon on May 5. A journey that I am now realizing doesn't end just because I cross that finish line. The half marathon in Vancouver doesn't signal "the end." Instead, it is just another step in the journey. A journey that has had many twists and turns, mountains and valleys, and a lot of much needed emotional and spiritual support. Last night, I attended a sharing circle with Mother Haven and momstown as part of momstown's Fit Mamas program. I wasn't sure what I would get out of it, but I knew it would be amazing. During that hour of sharing, I listened as the other women talked about how they now see their bodies as strong, how they were proud of them...