Unexpected Success
I've always wanted a big family. For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed about hearing all those little feet running around my home. Mrblueberry and I agreed to four. So, when A was born I didn't have any doubt that we would try again after a couple of years. We thought the ideal spread would be three years between A and baby three. Fourteen months later and my nephew I is born. I'm smitten by the pictures and can't get enough. I haven't even met the sweet, little squish, and I'm in love! I realize I'm ready to start trying, a year earlier than planned. Mrblueberry agrees. But then, I spend the next month unsure about that decision and, on more than one occasion, think that maybe I am okay with just two children. I think that maybe I don't want more than two and maybe I can only handle two children.
What happened next, I did not expect. For both boys, it took seven months of trying to be successful. Seven months of charting and planning. Seven months of going through that monthly heartbreak when we were unsuccessful. Seven months of getting frustrated and spending way too much money on pregnancy tests until I discovered the dollar store tests. So, I was expecting January or December to gift me with that plus sign. Not so. Not this time! The world decided to throw me a huge, unexpected curve ball. In the midst of my indecision about wanting more children, fate made the decision for me.
One month. That's all it took to see not one, but three separate plus signs. One single month and a child-free date night at a good friend's wedding. Seriously, I couldn't write something more cliche! So here I am. Two thirds of the way through the first trimester with baby number three, still nursing A, praying to God with all my heart that this baby sticks. I can't handle another miscarriage. Yet, at the same time, I am scared out of my mind. I was literally in shock for the first week or so, and I have thought more than once that we are making a mistake. At any moment, I feel like I could just jump ship and run away from this whole pregnancy thing.
It hasn't been an easy first trimester so far. Not at all. I've fought a brutal cold and an even more brutal stomach bug coupled with morning sickness and severe exhaustion. The morning sickness started earlier than in my previous pregnancies, and the exhaustion is overwhelming. I'm so tired, yet I can't fall asleep at night. I lay in bed awake for hours. Pregnancy insomnia isn't supposed to start this early! But there are bright moments. Moments like when E wants to talk to the baby and uses my belly button as a microphone, and then A needs to copy his big brother and do the same. Moments where I catch mrblueberry looking at me with that look of wonder. Moments where in yoga I drift off into quiet contemplation of what my body is doing. Moments where E tells me he wants another brother (but not a sister). Moments where I know this is what I want. And moments where even though I am scared for what the next year is bringing me, I am also beyond excited. Next week we have our first midwife appointment with the same wonderful midwife who attended A's birth (yes, we hope for another home birth). Next week is when it will really begin to feel real. Not that it doesn't feel real amongst the constant all day nausea, mind you. My goodness, I am not a fan of the first trimester. Second trimester, this pregnant mama can't wait to see you!
What happened next, I did not expect. For both boys, it took seven months of trying to be successful. Seven months of charting and planning. Seven months of going through that monthly heartbreak when we were unsuccessful. Seven months of getting frustrated and spending way too much money on pregnancy tests until I discovered the dollar store tests. So, I was expecting January or December to gift me with that plus sign. Not so. Not this time! The world decided to throw me a huge, unexpected curve ball. In the midst of my indecision about wanting more children, fate made the decision for me.
One month. That's all it took to see not one, but three separate plus signs. One single month and a child-free date night at a good friend's wedding. Seriously, I couldn't write something more cliche! So here I am. Two thirds of the way through the first trimester with baby number three, still nursing A, praying to God with all my heart that this baby sticks. I can't handle another miscarriage. Yet, at the same time, I am scared out of my mind. I was literally in shock for the first week or so, and I have thought more than once that we are making a mistake. At any moment, I feel like I could just jump ship and run away from this whole pregnancy thing.
It hasn't been an easy first trimester so far. Not at all. I've fought a brutal cold and an even more brutal stomach bug coupled with morning sickness and severe exhaustion. The morning sickness started earlier than in my previous pregnancies, and the exhaustion is overwhelming. I'm so tired, yet I can't fall asleep at night. I lay in bed awake for hours. Pregnancy insomnia isn't supposed to start this early! But there are bright moments. Moments like when E wants to talk to the baby and uses my belly button as a microphone, and then A needs to copy his big brother and do the same. Moments where I catch mrblueberry looking at me with that look of wonder. Moments where in yoga I drift off into quiet contemplation of what my body is doing. Moments where E tells me he wants another brother (but not a sister). Moments where I know this is what I want. And moments where even though I am scared for what the next year is bringing me, I am also beyond excited. Next week we have our first midwife appointment with the same wonderful midwife who attended A's birth (yes, we hope for another home birth). Next week is when it will really begin to feel real. Not that it doesn't feel real amongst the constant all day nausea, mind you. My goodness, I am not a fan of the first trimester. Second trimester, this pregnant mama can't wait to see you!
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