meditations of a blueberry

Recently I got lost in my diary from high school, and the more I read, the more my heart broke for 14 year old me. How worthless and unlovable I used to find myself! And how much I believed those lies. Signs of my depression peeking through amidst the teenage angst. I often wonder how I made it through. I started wondering what I would tell her if I could go back and comfort her. Timers on cameras and just hoping that it turned out okay! What do you tell someone who is hurting and only sees dark? What do you say to encourage a young girl who feels so alone? What words do you use? I would tell her that her worth is not tied to boys. That she is beautiful whether a boy thinks she is or not. That what these teenage boys think won't matter in a few years. That it's okay to be on her own and not be dating someone. That she doesn't need to do something just because a boy wants her to. That she is in charge of her body. That she will make mistakes but that they don...

Who am I? When the caterpillar builds her cocoon, does she know of the intense change she's about to endure? How her body will literally melt into goo and miraculously turn into a butterfly? Does she know how one day she will stretch her wings and fly? Is that little caterpillar afraid? Does she exist at all in the butterfly? When a woman has her first baby, she changes from just a woman to a mother. She knows it is going to happen, but she doesn't exactly know how much it will change her, no matter what anyone tells her. Her body changes physically, yes, but her heart and mind do as well. The woman she was before is still there, but she has forever changed, never to be the same again. Sometimes if we are not careful the woman gets lost in the mother. She gets lost in the day to day tasks of diapers and laundry, lunch and bath time, snacks and cleaning, reading books and rocking babies to sleep. And if you have multiple children close together, this is even more ...

Today is my birthday. 34 years ago I was a squishy newborn curled up in my mom's arms as my mom was amazed, terrified, and in awe that she was now a mother and wholly responsible for the new life before her (or at least, I imagine that's how she felt because that's how I felt when my first was born). I came into the world surrounded by love, chocolate cake, and crocheted blankets. 34 years later and I am once again surrounded by love, chocolate, and a crocheted blanket from my Nana. 34. 34 is the age that I picture my mom at when I think of her. Sometimes with a perm, sometimes with short hair. But always full of love, even when I hurt her in ways that only a teenager can hurt a parent. 34. I don't feel 34. I swear yesterday I was graduating high school and getting ready for university, but that was almost 16 years ago. Now I'm closer to my 20 year reunion than my 10 year reunion. I think back to my 18 year old self and wish I could tell her that her life ...