meditations of a blueberry

I have two amazing and beautiful little boys. I have a husband who is supportive and loves me for who I am. I have family who loves me even though they know my worst traits. I have friends who stick by me and hold me up when I need it, even when I don't deserve it. By all measures, I should be the happiest girl in the world. But I'm not. And I don't know why. Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I am so utterly happy. Moments that the fog lifts and my world feels perfect. But they don't last. Soon enough, the fog returns, clouds darken my skies, and the moment ends. I find myself saying and doing things without thinking more often. My patience has grown so thin that the slightest transgression from my toddler has me losing it. I snap at my husband and friends for no reason. I feel so alone. And I hate it. If I'm being honest, I have been feeling this way for months. I've tried to bring it up with friends, but didn't want to face what they might...

Have you ever done or said something without thinking about how it would affect others? I have. Lots. Sometimes, more often than I like to admit, I say or do things and don't think any farther than how they will affect myself. Does this make me self-absorbed? Maybe. I'd like to think it makes me human, but I know not everyone has the same problem. You would think by now in my life I would learn to stop and think first. But it keeps happening. Perhaps that's a clue for me to reassess my own self. I made a mistake. And the first step to fixing a mistake is to own up to it. The second step is apologizing: I'm sorry. And the third step is to try to make sure it doesn't happen again. So here I am. Owning up to my mistake and apologizing. Those that know of the mistake know of the mistake. I won't rehash for all to see. But I did want to apologize here since here was where the mistake happened. I'd like to blame it on being an Aries or on any other number of thing...

Since my journey to the half marathon ended and injuring my kne e, I've been going to hot yoga. I love the silence and the time to just be. It has been a fantastic way to refresh my spirit and focus on "me" without any distractions. I have more energy, and I feel more at peace with myself every day. My patience has increased, my heart feels open, and my mind is slowly learning how to "slow down." Simply put, I love it. Today's class was a bit hard and had me feeling dizzy a couple of times between postures. At the end, while we were laying in savasana the instructor read us the below quote: As he spoke it, I felt he was speaking directly to me. Even though I was surrounded by 25 other people, it felt like his words were meant for my heart alone. The last month has been an emotion filled roller coaster. The ups and downs have been fast and furious with the fundraising, half marathon, reaching my weight loss goal, and hurting my knee. There h...

http://theydonttellyou.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/there-are-only-two-days-in-every-week/ There is a secret about motherhood that nobody really talks about. Sure, moms will talk about it with each other. You'll hear them whispering about it in the corners of Starbucks when they manage to get out for a coffee date without any kids. You'll hear them talking a little more loudly about it as kids run around their legs at the local playground. You'll see new moms on message boards wondering if they are alone in dealing with it. You may even see hints of it when you look into their eyes. It's a dark secret that a new mom will try to deny for months and months. It's a secret that will make her cry, yell, and feel awful. It's a secret that will make her wonder if something is wrong with her, or if it's her kids. It's a secret that shouldn't be kept. Moms-to-be should know this secret. They should be prepared so that when it happens, they aren't hit with...

Blessed. I think of myself as very blessed. Besides my fabulous husband and child (soon to be children), I have fabulous and very supportive family and friends. I have never felt judged nor looked down upon for choices that I have made as a parent. I have read so many comments about people who have less-than-supportive friends and family. People who have had their loved ones tell them they are wrong/reckless/disgusting for choices they have made regarding their children. Even my close group of friends have had negative comments made to them about choices they have made. I keep waiting for such negativity to flood into my life, but it has yet to do so. I feel extremely lucky that I haven't had to deal with any such comments.  Thanks for always supporting me Mom and Dad! I have managed to surround myself with fantastic and mostly like-minded friends thanks to momstown, and if my family (both mine and mrblueberry's) doesn't agree with my choices, well, they don't s...

Some of you may or may not know this, but I am actually an incredibly shy (and slightly insecure) person. That may come as a surprise to many of you (I'm talking to you momstown moms!) as you have seen me out and about and heard me talk, but it is absolutely true. I am secure in my decisions and own them, but as a person, I have always had nagging insecurities. I have never fared well in large groups of people, even groups that are made up of mostly people I know. It takes me a long time to connect with people and make new friends. I find myself shutting myself off a little and hiding behind a wall. I am quiet and not the person that I am in small groups. I have heard people say that they thought I was a bit of a snob or that I am intimidating because of this, but in reality, it was (is) just me feeling like I need to protect myself. I'm not an anti-social person; I just need time to connect with people! Mrblueberry and I used to get into a lot of arguments because of this issu...

This weekend is Family Day weekend in Alberta. It's always a welcome break in what is usually a very cold month. This year winter has barely touched us (so far, I'm sure winter will be here, even if it's in May!), so I am looking forward to spending some quality time with my men outside.  In years past, I have actually used this weekend to travel home to see my family, especially since moving to Edmonton.  It can be really disappointing at times to not have them near me when I hear about all the fun things that others are doing with their families. For quite a while, I felt quite alone and isolated here. Yes, I had mrblueberry during this time, but sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes a girl just needs girlfriends! It can be really hard to make friends as an adult. And since I didn't have a regular job, it was harder. There are many benefits to working as a substitute teacher, but getting to know the other teachers and forming friendships with coworkers is not ...