meditations of a blueberry

It's not about the weight. This journey that I am on isn't about the pounds or inches that I will inevitably lose as I eat healthier and train to run 21 kilometers . It's really not. But, I can't help but get giddy as I see my body shrinking and the number on the scale going down. I can't help but feel excited when clothes that haven't fit since before I was pregnant with E fit again. I can't help but smile when I look into the mirror and see less of the belly that stretched beyond its capacity to carry a ten pound baby. But, it's not about the weight. What is this journey about then? Well, it's about the changes I'm FEELING rather than seeing. It's how just six short weeks ago, I couldn't even run for three minutes straight without feeling like I couldn't breathe, yet today, I ran for almost an hour (eight minutes running/one minute walking) and could have gone longer. It's about how carrying both boys (55 pounds!) out to

As I'm sure everyone knows, recently there was another shooting in a school. This time, it was in an elementary school. Sandy Hook elementary school in Connecticut. Twenty children and six adults lost their lives. I can't even begin to imagine sending my child to school, a place that is supposed to be a safe place, and not having him come home. I just don't understand it. I can't understand it. I'm not sure I will ever understand it. All those lives that were yet to be lived. All those firsts that never got to be--first kisses, first dances, first time driving a car, first jobs, first loves, graduations, weddings, babies, grandbabies. Children and parents. All gone. All because some guy got his hands on some guns and took out his frustrations on some innocent people. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children. No parent should know the grief of burying a child. Not one. And now there are twenty six more sets (for the children were not the only ones with

The first step is the hardest. I've heard that said before, but I have never fully realized how true it is until today. This week has been hard to motivate myself to go run. On Saturday, I missed the group training session because A was completely inconsolable all day (seriously, ALL day). So, I ran on Sunday instead. On Wednesday, mother nature decided to kick me hard in the uterus. By the evening, I could barely move I was in so much pain. That continued on Thursday so when it was time to get up for my run, I turned my alarm off and went back to sleep. All day Thursday, I felt icky and like I was "cheating." So, last night I decided I would make up for it today. I would get up and go for my run in the morning, and then do my yoga in the afternoon. When I went to bed much too late, I was still determined. My alarm went off at 5:45 am and I just wanted to go back to sleep. But, my alarm was across the room so up I got to turn it off and just continued on out the room. G

The streetlight shines in through the window blinds as Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" begins playing on my alarm. What a perfect song to describe this process of marathon training . I let it play for a few seconds longer as I allow myself to slowly wake up. Asha, on the other hand, is up immediately and staring at me beside the bed, waiting to go. The warm baby beside me deep in sleep snuggles in closer and I take one more minute to breathe in his peacefulness. Then, I slowly slip out of bed and quietly sneak out of the room with Asha excitedly following behind me. Checking the weather to see how many layers I need on, I begin to get dressed and eat a banana. I've learned that I need to eat something small before heading out. After layering up, I slip on my shoes, tie them on, grab the dog's leash, and head on out.   It snowed last night, and something about making those first tracks in the snow is magical. It's so cold out that the streetlights in the