meditations of a blueberry

I have 3 boys. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They regularly melt my heart the only way a son can, and frustrate me in all of the other ways any child can. I love them with all of my heart and soul. We never once "tried for a girl." But, if you think for a second that I did not feel an ounce of disappointment at any of our ultrasounds, you'd be sorely mistaken.  From the time I was very young, I dreamed of having a girl. I picked out names that I loved and imagined all of the fun things we would do. I pictured helping get her into her wedding dress and holding her babies. When I was 16, I wrote a letter and sealed it to my future daughter at her 16th birthday. That was 16 years ago this upcoming April. I want to know what I wrote so badly, but I keep it hidden away for the future. And then I married a man who comes from a family of mostly boys.  When I had my first son, I fell in love. He took my heart that I willingly gave him. He was a sur

Career Preparation 101 at the University of Parenting has taught me many essential skills, habits, and attitudes. It has helped me to develop my interpersonal/intrapersonal skills as well as much needed communication skills. Many of the course projects have taught me skills that I would learn and develop in several different jobs. I have three professors who really like to keep me on my toes. There are only two students in this class, and we regularly get thrown pop quizzes and mountains of homework (laundry). After 5 years of being immersed in this course, I believe I should now be able to add the following to my resume: Circus Performer:  Between sidestepping to avoid Lego and Mr. Potato Head pieces and doing endless rounds of Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes to keep my kids happy (often while wearing a baby on my back), I am almost constantly entertaining someone. I even have good experience with jumping through hoops in order to avoid toddler meltdowns.  Singer/Songwriter:  I

Dear Old Lady at the Grocery Store, The other day I was out shopping alone with the baby while my husband was at home with my other two. As is my usual routine, I was wearing him. I saw you walking with your husband. I saw your head turn as my baby caught your eye. I heard you tell your husband, "Oh! Just wait a moment!" The pit of my stomach churned with dread as I watched you walk toward me and the list of regular comments people say to mothers with babies flooded my brain. I pictured you saying a number of things, from something about being brave, to how my boy baby is a girl, to how he is huge for only three months, to how my husband is at home "babysitting," to how I must cherish all of the moments because it goes too fast (side note: I'm well aware that it goes fast, but I don't care what you say, I refuse to cherish and remember some moments...poopslosions anyone?). I imagined how you were going to reach out and touch my sleeping baby's face or

Sometimes I lay here in bed, basked in the sweet silence of a sleeping husband and baby, and reflect on my day. I try to be positive about it, but sometimes that negative mom guilt takes over and a parade of thoughts barrage into my brain. Did I yell too much? Did I feed them healthy enough food? Should we have gone outside more? Should I have played more with them? Was I present enough? Did I check my phone too much? Did I work too much? Did I worry about if the house was clean too much? Did I not clean enough? Did we laugh enough? Did we read enough? Did I tell them I love them enough? Was I enough?   It's hard, this mom thing. There's so much information out there about what you should do, what you have to do, what you musn't do, what you must never do, and most of it is conflicting. Do this, do that, but don't you dare even think about this (and if you do for heavens sake don't tell anyone). I wonder if my mom felt this much pressure when we were kids, or i

I have a 31 year old and 11 weeks postpartum body. I have a body that carried a third baby for 9 months. I have a body that grew and birthed its second 10 pound plus baby. I have a body that is still healing from the effects of pregnancy. When I look in the mirror, I see exactly that--a postpartum body that just one year ago was much stronger and less squishy than it is now. Some days, I'm okay with that. Some days I can look in the mirror and say, "Wow! Look at what you have done!" When E asks why my belly is still big, I can smile and not be offended on these days. On these days, I can see the beauty in the changes. And then some days I need a reminder to be gentle with myself as I push at my still round tummy and that overwhelming feeling of "ickiness" starts to come over me. It's hard to see some of the changes that came with this last pregnancy--the angry looking red stretch marks that grew longer and darker, the abs that separated more, the weakness t

Loïc James, wrapped in a blanket from my own birth It's been a little over five weeks since my life was changed yet again. On June 27, 2014 at 4:29 am, little L arrived in our bedroom! He weighed 10 lbs 10 oz, was 19.5 inches long, and had a 15.75 inch head circumference. He was big! Only five weeks, yet it seems like he's always been a part of our family. E and A are loving being big brothers. E dotes on L and keeps asking why L cannot go for a bike ride or play with bubbles with him. A is also smitten, but every so often (more than I would like) he remembers he is two and forgets what being gentle looks like. Little L is going to be able to take anything if that keeps up. Perhaps that is just the way it is for baby number three? I started this blog post with the intention of writing my birth story, but I'm not sure I'm ready. L's birth did not go as smoothly as I had hoped. After the relative smoothness of A's birth, I had been  expecting that this b

Tonight I sat in my boys' room as the 4 year old was dreaming away, and the 2 year old was trying to go to sleep and relished the sound of the deep breathing of two of my greatest joys. As I sat there, the unborn child stretched out reminding me of his existence too (you know, just in case I had forgotten) and I was brought back to my birth experiences with both boys. I recounted how my water broke with E and how we went to the hospital so early . I remembered feeling out of control and stuck, especially when they brought out the forceps. And I remembered how completely amazing it was to hold him and look in his eyes for the first time, even if he was so tightly swaddled all I could see was his face! I then thought back to my experience with A and how completely different it was . I remembered feeling in control as I listened to my body tell me what it needed. I remembered feeling scared and worried too that I wouldn't be able to push him out. I remembered having to fight that

There is something about the last weeks of pregnancy that just reinforces that sometimes you must give up control and sometimes you truly just do not have any control at all. Analyzing every twinge and tightening as you await labour to start only makes things more clear. Waiting for labour truly reminds us of how we are not in any way in control of this thing called life. Oh, we try. We try to control it with so-called natural induction techniques. Drink red raspberry leaf tea. Go for walks. Use evening primrose oil. Get an induction massage. Have sex. Eat spicy food. Eat fresh pineapple.  Drink castor oil (do not actually do that!). There's so many old wives' tales for naturally inducing labour out there, that I don't even know them all! But in the end, none of this will work if baby and body are not ready. We truly are not in control. And it bothers us to no end. So, we have more medically inclined techniques that we often fall on when we hit that uncomfortable stage. Sw

Tomorrow, I will be 38 weeks pregnant. I am excited, sore, tired (no, exhausted), and starting to get very irritable. I am trying hard to not let the irritation overtake me, but I definitely have felt it creep in more than I would like. I keep being told to stay active, yet to rest. I don't really know what these people think when they say that. I am tired of people being surprised when I tell them I'm due, or saying that I must be uncomfortable, or telling me I am huge and that it must be twins, etc, etc, etc. Last pregnancy, I felt incredible irritation at those comments. This time though I am finding myself more able to just smile and nod at them. Perhaps it's because I realize that these people mean well, or perhaps it's because I just don't care anymore what they say. I hope it's an indication that I am doing better at handling my emotions and that that means I won't have to fight with PPD this time.  I look around and see all of the signs of kids

The countdown is on. I am 37 weeks pregnant today. That means that baby could "technically" come at any time (though, let's wait until my doulas are back home, ok baby?).  Pretty soon, this baby boy will be here! I'm sure it will seem like forever. I'm sure I will get even more uncomfortable (is that even possible?!). I'm sure that I will get grumpier. I'm sure I will get even bigger (the body continues to amaze me how much it stretches to accommodate a baby!). And, I'm sure that all too soon our little family of four will become a family of five.  Until then, though, I have to deal with all of the third trimester annoyances. Heartburn, achy and unstable hips, feeling heavy, waking up a bazillion times for the bathroom, being moody, not having any clothes to wear because your belly is too big but the rest of you is smaller (seriously manufacturers, bigger belly does not always equal bigger everywhere else!), not being able to get comfortable at night,

The third trimester is hard, especially in this third pregnancy. I can't physically do a lot of things that I was able to do even just a month ago. Simple things feel like a chore. Putting on my kids' shoes is almost impossible. Picking toys up off the floor feels like a hardcore workout. I have to sit in a chair at the counter to do dishes or prepare meals. Going up the stairs leaves me feeling breathless and needing a break. I can't even do my hair without getting tired! I feel useless when mrblueberry comes home and starts in on the cleaning and playing that I used to be able to do every day. I feel huge. Oh, who am I kidding? I am huge. And I am only going to get bigger. I'm constantly being told that I must be due any day now, when in reality I am not due for about 6 weeks. My body hurts in places that it did not hurt in during my previous pregnancies. I don't know if that's related to my prolapse or just because it's my third pregnancy. My heartbur

This pregnancy has flown by. On Saturday, I will hit 34 weeks. That means that this little boy could join us anywhere from 4 weeks to 8 weeks. And as much as I sometimes wish I could speed up or slow down time, I know I can't. I have been trying desperately to get everything ready for when that happens, but my list doesn't seem to be getting shorter. I have been focusing so much on the stuff I need to do that I have neglected to do any mental and emotional preparation for the actual birth. Now, I'm staring down my guess date and realizing that this baby is coming whether I'm ready or not, and, to be honest, I'm a little afraid.  What am I afraid of? I've done this before--twice! And one of those times was a 10.5 lb baby born in my dining room! In my head, I know I can do this. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what my prolapse means for labour and birth. I'm afraid of something going wrong. I'm afraid I won't be able to push him out because

I am introvert , but it is only recently that I have come to realize that. I have always known that I prefer the company of small groups to large, and that I need to make sure to take alone time to recharge, but I haven't always realized that it meant I am an introvert. All my life, people would call me "shy" or "quiet" until you got to know me. I even have had a few people think I was standoffish or a bitch because I'm not immediately approachable in most circumstances. Those comments hurt a lot when mrblueberry told me about them the first time. I don't mean to be standoffish or to seem like a snob. But, I need that time to adjust and feel comfortable in situations. I prefer to sit back and observe in all new situations or in situations with people I don't know well. I prefer to be one of the first to arrive so that I can gradually adjust. If necessary (like with teaching or momstown), I can push it away and be more "extroverted" for a t

Thank you to my fantastic friend Jen at Snow Pea Portraits for the great photo above!  http://www.snowpeaportraits.com/ The past year and a half has been an amazing journey, full of high highs and low lows. I trained for and ran a half marathon . I lost over 50 pounds in 6 months. A past injury flared up and sidelined me from running. Uterine prolapse came into my life. Postpartum depression took over my life. We got pregnant again. So far, my thirties have been full of emotions, body change, and body issues. I have felt like a warrior and felt like my body was broken within the span of a month.  When I saw that little plus sign back in the fall, I was scared of what it meant for my body. I carry my babies big, and I make big babies . I have gained about 50 lbs with each baby, and on my small 5'3" frame, that's a lot of pounds. I was determined to make it through this pregnancy active and strong. I dedicated myself to doing yoga a couple of times a week, and decid

As I sit here this afternoon, I hear the sounds of two little boys becoming best friends. A has finally reached an age where he is starting to actually play with E. Almost every day since Christmas, I have watched them play with their new train set together. They build the tracks throughout the house, sometimes with a little fighting, but not usually. I hear E's little 3 year old voice occasionally say, "Do you need my help?" or "Please don't break it Araric." It's amazing seeing them play together, even if some days they fight more than they play. When I first found out I was pregnant, I got scared that this new baby will change their relationship in a way that is just unavoidable. I was mostly scared that this new baby would ruin that bond that they are forming. And then, I look at my friends with three or more children and I realize that I'm right. Their relationship will change, but it will change in ways that are amazing. Instead of only having

Found here. This past Saturday marked the 18 week point in this third pregnancy. It's hard to believe that 18 weeks have already passed. It feels like yesterday that I was looking at that plus sign, and yet, here we are 4 days before the "big ultrasound."  Someone asked me the other day if I was excited and I didn't know how to answer. Truthfully, I'm not sure how I feel. So far, I've been plagued with a lot of anxiety this pregnancy. I was anxious my last pregnancies too, but not like this time. I just can't get it out of my mind that something could be wrong with this pregnancy and baby. I have had no indications to show that, but it still constantly runs through my head. I find myself comparing this pregnancy to my last and worrying. With A, I felt full on kicks at 14 weeks. But I haven't felt much movement yet besides little butterfly feelings that could very well have been something else. I worry that something is wrong, even though I know it