meditations of a blueberry

Dear Old Lady at the Grocery Store, The other day I was out shopping alone with the baby while my husband was at home with my other two. As is my usual routine, I was wearing him. I saw you walking with your husband. I saw your head turn as my baby caught your eye. I heard you tell your husband, "Oh! Just wait a moment!" The pit of my stomach churned with dread as I watched you walk toward me and the list of regular comments people say to mothers with babies flooded my brain. I pictured you saying a number of things, from something about being brave, to how my boy baby is a girl, to how he is huge for only three months, to how my husband is at home "babysitting," to how I must cherish all of the moments because it goes too fast (side note: I'm well aware that it goes fast, but I don't care what you say, I refuse to cherish and remember some moments...poopslosions anyone?). I imagined how you were going to reach out and touch my sleeping baby's face or

Sometimes I lay here in bed, basked in the sweet silence of a sleeping husband and baby, and reflect on my day. I try to be positive about it, but sometimes that negative mom guilt takes over and a parade of thoughts barrage into my brain. Did I yell too much? Did I feed them healthy enough food? Should we have gone outside more? Should I have played more with them? Was I present enough? Did I check my phone too much? Did I work too much? Did I worry about if the house was clean too much? Did I not clean enough? Did we laugh enough? Did we read enough? Did I tell them I love them enough? Was I enough?   It's hard, this mom thing. There's so much information out there about what you should do, what you have to do, what you musn't do, what you must never do, and most of it is conflicting. Do this, do that, but don't you dare even think about this (and if you do for heavens sake don't tell anyone). I wonder if my mom felt this much pressure when we were kids, or i