Reaching for the Life Preserver

Ever feel like you're floating in a sea of nothingness utterly alone? That's how I've been feeling. Occasionally, I feel and see others around me, but most of the time I feel like everyone is pushing me aside and ignoring me. I look around and see everyone going on with their lives, and here I am, standing in silent despair. I feel like nobody notices how furiously and desperately I am treading the stormy water that is my life. I just feel so damn alone. It's an odd feeling to feel that way when you are surrounded by so many people who care for you. I don't understand, and I feel terrible that I can't just "perk up" and get over it.

Postpartum depression sucks. There is no other word for it. It sucks the life and happiness right out of me. I have brief moments of joy and happiness, but those moments don't often last long. My boys and family do make me happy, but I'm not sure I really feel that happiness. It is almost like I am looking on as an invisible observer. I look at my boys playing and often think that they deserve a better mom. One who doesn't go into a rage so easily over the smallest things. One who doesn't feel numb much of the rest of the time. One who doesn't think that the world wouldn't miss her if she was gone. One who can be the kind of mom that my boys need and deserve. I don't feel like I am that mom right now, and I'm not sure I have ever been that mom.

Lately, I've been reaching out to those around me. Several people have thrown me a life preserver, but I have been treading so furiously that I haven't been able to reach them. But, I've realized that I can't fight this alone, and I know that these thoughts and feelings aren't normal. I don't want this to affect my relationships any longer. I can't continue to pull away and isolate myself from people who care about me, or soon, I may really be alone. Mrblueberry and I have had several deep conversations about it and I think he's starting to realize the depth of this darkness. I have reached out to old friends who have seen me through similar struggles and storms. And, most importantly, I finally reached out and opened my heart to God again. On a recent walk in the mountains, I was literally brought to my knees, completely unexpectedly and unintentionally. I have renewed faith that with His help, and with the help of those He has put in my life, I can fight this.  Postpartum depression will not take me from my family and friends any longer. Most importantly, it will not take me from myself any longer.