I'm Still Standing

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have family and friends who love me, children who are healthy and growing, a warm house to come home to, food on my table and in my belly. I've experienced hardship and loss, but I am still standing. No matter the dark forest that my life road has taken me through, I have emerged, sometimes beaten and bruised, but still alive. 

I've written several times about my postpartum depression these past few months, and how I've finally found myself again after many months of not knowing where to look. There were many dark days. More than I care to admit. But no matter how dark the days seemed, my friends and family were always there shining a light and reaching out to help support me. In the darkest of times, a word, a hug, a smile that said "I'm here" helped to light the way. They picked me up and carried me when I had barely the strength to open my eyes. I'm not sure they realized the strength they gave to me by just reminding me that they were there. And the honesty from those who had been in my shoes was overwhelming and unexpected. I was shocked to learn how many of those that I care about have been affected by depression. I can't thank my support system enough for helping me. Early on, when I felt so alone, a very good friend sent me the song "I Will Carry You" by Serena Ryder. It is exactly what my husband, family, friends, and even people I haven't seen for many, many years did for me. Thank you for carrying me when I was stumbling. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

I know that it isn't over. I still have dark moments where I wonder if it would be better if I disappeared. But those moments don't last nearly as long as they used to. I know that I will have to be vigilant and take care of my body and soul. And I know that I can never again hold it in like I did before. If I don't want this to run my life, then I need to be honest--and not just with those around me. Most of all, I need to be honest with myself. I owe it to these guys.