Honoring Myself with Dandelions

In the dark world of postpartum depression, there are good days, bad days, and mediocre days. On a good day, I feel fantastic. I feel like all of the darkness is a figment of my cruel imagination. I smile. I laugh. I feel peace. But on the bad days, I search for the light only to be met with dark. I'm alone in a never ending train tunnel, a deep chasm in the middle of night, a bottomless well with no visible way to get out no matter what I do. On the bad days, the rage boils under the surface and I feel like there is not a soul out there who understands. Most days, though, are mediocre. Most days have moments of light interspersed with dark. Most days I try to push through the dark and hold on to those moments of light. But, it can be so hard.

There has been a lot of dark recently. These past few months have not been kind to me. From my injured knee to my uterine prolapse to postpartum depression to a constantly breaking down vehicle, I have felt like the world is out to get me. Every time I turn around, something else seems to happen. I just can't seem to catch a break. It has started to really wear on me. Last week after my mental health assessment appointment, I realized that since stopping running and yoga, I haven't been taking time at all for me. No wonder all that stuff is wearing on me! I haven't been honoring my introvert self and taking the time to recharge! When I was running, I was guaranteed four days a week where I got at least 45-60 minutes of time to focus on me and feel like a human being again. I may have been working hard and not resting, but I was focusing on my own well being instead of spending energy focusing on my children, husband, home, or friends.  I realized I've started to feel resentful of everything and everyone taking and taking and taking my energy. I love my family and friends and I love spending my energy on them, but in order to spend energy, you need to have it!

So, I spent the last week focusing on myself, my family, and being grateful. We went camping together, and the time in the forest helped to re-energize me. I went for a run and took a couple of "alone" walk breaks (well, until my bear encounter). I felt much more able to connect with my family. And as frustrated as I was that bedtime wasn't going smoothly, I was able to keep my rage in check (huge thanks to my friends for helping me with that!). Focusing on the things that I am grateful for really helped to turn my thinking around. Instead of feeling resentful that I wasn't able to sit around the fire alone with mrblueberry like I wanted, I was able to change my thinking to "what a great memory this will be for the boys." It's sure amazing what a little change in perspective can do. E keeps picking me dandelions and feeling so special as he gives them to me. He doesn't see the weeds that most adults see. He sees them as beautiful and special flowers. He sees them as wishes. When I'm old, I don't want to look back on my life and only see weeds. I want my dandelions to be the beautiful and special flower that they are. I want my dandelions to be wishes. 

I have decided that I am going to start a gratitude journal. I've tried this before but just never followed through. I need to be accountable to make it work. So, I am going to write every day in my little book, and then I am going to post on Sundays the things I wrote for the week. I don't know if it will help long term or even at all. I don't expect that it will be this big life changing thing. I don't expect it to chase away the dark. I do know it is worth a try. Even if it only helps to bring one more moment of light to my day, it is worth a try. I am worth it.