Emerging From the Darkness

Have you ever had one of those months when it doesn't seem like anything is going right? That was pretty much my whole summer. And it culminated with a week of heart ache, frustration, and emotion. To top it off, mrblueberry wasn't even home, though he was where he needed to be. In my own haze, I made a mistake. I missed replying to a text. A simple mistake, but one that I regret. A friend was in need, and I failed her. I've always tried to be there for friends, no matter my own situation at the time. This time it didn't happen. I guess this summer hit me harder than I thought. 

Between everything that happened though, I managed to find myself again. I still lose her from time to time, but more often than not, when I look in the mirror, she's there. I'm not sure how I found her,  but somewhere amidst the camping and focusing on my family, she emerged bright and beautiful. I have learned some of my triggers that sends her away too which has made a difference in keeping her around. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had an appointment with a mental health nurse at the reproductive mental health clinic. The appointment was basically an hour of just talking. Usually, it takes me awhile to warm up to people, but it felt like I was talking to an old friend. After I left, I felt lighter for some reason. And walking to my car, I realized something else: not once did I say that I didn't feel like myself. Not once did I say that I felt like I had lost myself. At that moment, I realized that I have truly emerged from the dark hole that I had found myself in this summer. I still have a lot of work to do, and there are still moments the clouds and storms try to overtake, but I am no longer furiously treading in stormy waters. I have been lifted up by my friends and family. I have had people I love reach out to me and tell me I am not alone.

I have been trying to focus on what I'm grateful for, and I find that really puts a happy spin to my day. But, I've neglected sharing with you all my gratitude list for quite awhile. Here's a few things I've been thinking of recently: I'm grateful for a cool breeze that comes at just the right time. I'm grateful for snuggles from E and A. I'm grateful for my boys and that I get to see their relationship grow. I'm grateful for fantastic momstown members who step up when I'm not feeling so well. I'm grateful for friends who know just what to say to bring me back to the light. I'm grateful for a husband who is involved and supportive. But, most of all, I am grateful that I have found myself again. I missed her, and I'm so very glad she's back.