Broken

How I've been feeling lately...

Broken. I feel broken. Just a few short months ago, I felt strong. Able to do anything. A warrior. Today, I feel broken. Last week was not a great week in the blueberry household. We had a huge bill to fix our car, so huge that we've had to cancel a lot of plans for the summer (the Edmonton half included). And my week ended with an emotion filled doctor appointment that has me waiting for a lot of further testing. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. Either that, or curl up with a huge bottle of red wine, chocolate chip cookies, and Dirty Dancing.

Why do I feel broken? On top of my knee issues that I'm (still) dealing with, I have an ab diastasis. If you don't know what that is, it is when your abs separate (usually in pregnancy). It means that my core is incredibly weak and has caused my back to overcompensate. It has likely also contributed to my knee issues. Oh and, unless I am actively engaging my core, it makes me look 4-5 months pregnant. So, even though I've lost so much weight, I still look pregnant at times. Awesome.

Another lovely gift pregnancy left me is a very weak pelvic floor. E was a forceps assisted birth, and A was 10.5 lbs, so my pelvic floor took a hit. My physiotherapist said she was shocked that my muscles were fatigued after only two kegels! And because of this weakness, things aren't where they are supposed to be. A certain amount of rearranging I am okay with. I mean, I did deliver two babies vaginally. But this is ridiculous. I'm really afraid of what this means for future pregnancies and deliveries. I would be crushed if I couldn't have another home birth, and even more crushed if it meant I will have to have a cesarean section. The past few days I have been doing a lot of reading on uterine prolapse, and I have also found a lot of advice strongly advising against running. I am heartbroken that not only are my future births in jeopardy, but my newfound love of running may have to be shelved. I don't even know what to do. 

So, my knee, my abs, my pelvic floor. All weak. Leaving me feeling broken. Oh wait. Did I mention that my massage therapist found a lump in my neck? Yep. Heading for an ultrasound to check on that one. And then there's my mood issues and just not feeling like myself. After talking with my doctor, she thinks I have a mild case of postpartum depression. And all of this? This has all been in the last month. When it rains, it pours.

I just can't seem to catch a break lately. I thought 30 was supposed to be awesome. Instead, it's been pretty damn crappy so far. And with everything that has happened, I just feel broken. I look around and see strength in my friends and family. I see women who amaze me with the limits they push their bodies to. I see other mamas who I admire for their patience. I look in the mirror and I see weakness. I see the girl who is going to physio for THREE separate issues (thank God for benefits). I see the girl who is ashamed that her body is failing her. I see the girl who wants to climb under a rock and never come out. I don't see that girl who lost 47 pounds and finished a half marathon just 6 weeks ago. I don't see the girl who birthed a 10.5 lb baby almost one year ago. I don't know where that girl is anymore. And I miss her. I know I can't fix anything by worrying about it, as much as I AM worried.  All I can do now is work to correct everything, and pray. A lot of praying.