meditations of a blueberry

I love spending time with my mama friends. I love drinking coffee and laughing and watching our kids play together for hours on end. I love going out without the kids and laughing and just being silly together. I love going to the farmer’s market and festivals and swimming with my family. I love running around and dancing crazily with my boys. But I have a confession to make. Being around people drains me of energy. After doing any of these things, I often feel like I used to feel in university after a night of drinking. Tired. Exhausted. Drained. There is a simple reason for those feelings. One that I only truly discovered after having children. I am an introvert. Being around people use my energy and I need to spend time alone to recharge. Large, busy spaces overwhelm me. I easily get overwhelmed by noises and bright colours. I have to work hard to focus on the task at hand when I am immersed in a busy place. When I get overwhelmed, it’s easy to get frustrated and lose my temp

2015 has not been kind to those around me so far. From cancer to random accidents, people I know and people I care about have been struck with tragedy and struggle. My own life has been confusing and the unknown stares me in my face yet again. To top it off, I spent the better part of this week recovering from a stomach bug and found out some awful news about a family member. It's no wonder moments of self-doubt and feelings of isolation have crept into my life. L is almost 8 months old, and in the last month, I have begun to feel the cold, bony fingers of postpartum depression try to get a stranglehold in my life. In the quiet moments of the evening, I have fought the thoughts that tell me I am alone. But in the dark of the night, as I lay awake with a screaming baby, those cold, bony fingers find their way into my heart. The menacing voice whispers that I'm not good enough, and laughs when I call it a lier. Its grip on my heart tightens and it tells me I will never be good e