A New Definition

Sitting here in the blistering heat yesterday, I couldn't help but glance over at my medal and finishing picture from the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon. You would think that seeing it would be a reminder of the strength of my body. Instead, it was a reminder of its weaknesses. I didn't think about the hours and hours and hours of training I put in. I didn't think about the hundreds of kilometers I ran in preparation for running 21.1 kilometers. I didn't think about the thousands of dollars that I raised for blood cancer research for Team in Training. No, I didn't think about any of that. All I could think about when I see that medal are the weaknesses my body is now showing. I thought about the knee that is not yet fully healed (though close!). I thought about the abs that continue to be separated despite my dedication to doing the physiotherapy exercises. I thought about the prolapsed uterus that plagues my mind and makes me fearful for future pregnancies and births. I thought about the postpartum depression that I am desperately trying to control. All these weaknesses that have all come out at once (though thankfully, all after the race). I wondered if my choice to train for the half marathon caused these issues. Did losing those 47 pounds bring all of these problems out? I can't say either way. My physiotherapist today assured me that it's likely if I hadn't lost the weight that things would probably be worse. Still, it makes me wonder.

Last week, the pelvic floor specialist gave me the okay to do short twenty-ish minute runs twice a week. She said that it was important to achieve balance, and since running is what was helping to control the postpartum depression, I shouldn't cut it out completely. I could have kissed her. Instead, I cried in the bathroom after my appointment. How did running become so integral in my life? I don't know. But I do know that today I went for my first run in almost a month. And it felt amazing. My lungs hurt, but I was running hard without any walk break. Even though it was my first run in almost a month, I still managed to run one of my fastest short runs yet. Part of the way through that run, my mind cleared. My thoughts of weakness faded and were replaced with resolve. Maybe I am facing all of these issues for a reason. I am a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason" and "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle," and it seems that I have forgotten that in the last couple of months.

I've been wallowing in my own self-pity for too long. I have been allowing everything run-related to crawl into my mind and fester. Every Facebook post about friends going for a run, every time I saw someone run past my window, every time I opened my drawer and saw my running capris. No longer. I may not be able to run the Edmonton half this year, and I may not be able to run the Vancouver Full next year. But one day, I will run them. And until then, I will do what I can do. I can keep up with my stretching and strength training to ensure my knee problem doesn't resurface. I can use this time to focus on my pelvic floor exercises to ensure that future pregnancies and births aren't affected by my prolapse. I may not be able to run for distance, but I can run for speed. So, my new goal is to get the fastest 5 k time I can. My first goal is a 25 minute 5 k. I'm at just under 30 minutes right now, so that means I need to shave about a minute off my average pace. My ultimate goal is to do 5 k in 20 minutes. I feel a new resolve with these goals. I feel alive again. I don't feel the strength yet, but I can see that it's possible. And while just last week I was afraid that running was impossible, now I see I just had to change my definition a little. At least for now.