Afraid.

This pregnancy has flown by. On Saturday, I will hit 34 weeks. That means that this little boy could join us anywhere from 4 weeks to 8 weeks. And as much as I sometimes wish I could speed up or slow down time, I know I can't. I have been trying desperately to get everything ready for when that happens, but my list doesn't seem to be getting shorter. I have been focusing so much on the stuff I need to do that I have neglected to do any mental and emotional preparation for the actual birth. Now, I'm staring down my guess date and realizing that this baby is coming whether I'm ready or not, and, to be honest, I'm a little afraid. 

What am I afraid of? I've done this before--twice! And one of those times was a 10.5 lb baby born in my dining room! In my head, I know I can do this. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what my prolapse means for labour and birth. I'm afraid of something going wrong. I'm afraid I won't be able to push him out because of my prolapse. I'm afraid of how my boys will be during labour. I'm afraid of what my healing will look like. I'm afraid of what it will be like adding a third child to our family. I'm afraid of my PPD flaring up post baby. I'm afraid of not having enough patience for my boys in the weeks to come and the weeks following baby's birth. I'm just afraid. 

I know it's normal to be afraid. Fear is not necessarily a bad thing. But I also know I need to work through it, preferably before labour starts. I do not want to be working through things again when I'm labouring! It makes labour much harder! I had to fight through it in order to find the strength to deliver A. I do not want to do that again. Labour doesn't need to be a fight! So, what to do? I recognize that the fear is there, and that is the first step. Now to face it with confidence and try to enjoy the last weeks until we become a family of five. These two little boys already in my life are about to have their world changed. They deserve a little mama time, even if that mama's patience is low right now. I may not be able to prepare for everything, but I know that even if (and when) I have trouble with any of these fears, I will have the support from those who love me. And really, that's the best one can hope for.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Overdue and Tired

Image
I am now 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I am exhausted, sore and generally moody. The smallest things set me off into an angry, pregnancy rage. Thankfully, mrblueberry is understanding and has been taking it all in stride. It is so hard at this point to be positive. I am trying. I keep repeating those affirmations in my mind. Nobody is pregnant forever. My body and my baby's body know what they are doing. He will come when he is ready. But it is still so difficult. I am starting to worry about risking out of my home birth and having to go to the hospital, and honestly, that scares me. I don't want to have this baby at the hospital. Nothing against hospital births, but I am really looking forward to labouring and birthing this baby in my own, safe space at home. To keep my mind off of things, I have been trying to keep busy. E and I go out every day, even if it is just for some window shopping or for a walk with our dog. I can't just stay at home and stare at the bi...
Read more

Mother Blessing: A Day of Love and Support

Image
My sister applying henna to my belly Today, I was fortunate enough to spend a few hours with some very fabulous women as we celebrated the last few weeks that I have left of this pregnancy. I am so grateful that my sister wanted to organize a mother blessing for me. I have been looking forward to this day for quite a while, and even though there were some chaotic moments with the kids, it didn't disappoint. These fantastic mothers in my life have left me feeling not only loved and supported, but renewed for this last bit of pregnancy. Amazingly, I did not really cry, although there were moments that I was sure I was about to burst into tears. From the meaningful quotes on the fabric for the support banner, to the thoughtful reasons why each person chose the bead they chose, I am not sure how I managed not to! I absolutely love the thought that was put into choosing each and every item. I wish I had written down some of the reasons because I just know I will forget. My sister g...
Read more

Alone in the Storm

Image
I have two amazing and beautiful little boys. I have a husband who is supportive and loves me for who I am. I have family who loves me even though they know my worst traits. I have friends who stick by me and hold me up when I need it, even when I don't deserve it. By all measures, I should be the happiest girl in the world. But I'm not. And I don't know why. Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I am so utterly happy. Moments that the fog lifts and my world feels perfect. But they don't last. Soon enough, the fog returns, clouds darken my skies, and the moment ends. I find myself saying and doing things without thinking more often. My patience has grown so thin that the slightest transgression from my toddler has me losing it. I snap at my husband and friends for no reason. I feel so alone. And I hate it. If I'm being honest, I have been feeling this way for months. I've tried to bring it up with friends, but didn't want to face what they might...
Read more