Afraid.

This pregnancy has flown by. On Saturday, I will hit 34 weeks. That means that this little boy could join us anywhere from 4 weeks to 8 weeks. And as much as I sometimes wish I could speed up or slow down time, I know I can't. I have been trying desperately to get everything ready for when that happens, but my list doesn't seem to be getting shorter. I have been focusing so much on the stuff I need to do that I have neglected to do any mental and emotional preparation for the actual birth. Now, I'm staring down my guess date and realizing that this baby is coming whether I'm ready or not, and, to be honest, I'm a little afraid. 

What am I afraid of? I've done this before--twice! And one of those times was a 10.5 lb baby born in my dining room! In my head, I know I can do this. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what my prolapse means for labour and birth. I'm afraid of something going wrong. I'm afraid I won't be able to push him out because of my prolapse. I'm afraid of how my boys will be during labour. I'm afraid of what my healing will look like. I'm afraid of what it will be like adding a third child to our family. I'm afraid of my PPD flaring up post baby. I'm afraid of not having enough patience for my boys in the weeks to come and the weeks following baby's birth. I'm just afraid. 

I know it's normal to be afraid. Fear is not necessarily a bad thing. But I also know I need to work through it, preferably before labour starts. I do not want to be working through things again when I'm labouring! It makes labour much harder! I had to fight through it in order to find the strength to deliver A. I do not want to do that again. Labour doesn't need to be a fight! So, what to do? I recognize that the fear is there, and that is the first step. Now to face it with confidence and try to enjoy the last weeks until we become a family of five. These two little boys already in my life are about to have their world changed. They deserve a little mama time, even if that mama's patience is low right now. I may not be able to prepare for everything, but I know that even if (and when) I have trouble with any of these fears, I will have the support from those who love me. And really, that's the best one can hope for.

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