Pregnancy Anxiety

Found here.

This past Saturday marked the 18 week point in this third pregnancy. It's hard to believe that 18 weeks have already passed. It feels like yesterday that I was looking at that plus sign, and yet, here we are 4 days before the "big ultrasound." Someone asked me the other day if I was excited and I didn't know how to answer. Truthfully, I'm not sure how I feel. So far, I've been plagued with a lot of anxiety this pregnancy. I was anxious my last pregnancies too, but not like this time. I just can't get it out of my mind that something could be wrong with this pregnancy and baby. I have had no indications to show that, but it still constantly runs through my head. I find myself comparing this pregnancy to my last and worrying. With A, I felt full on kicks at 14 weeks. But I haven't felt much movement yet besides little butterfly feelings that could very well have been something else. I worry that something is wrong, even though I know it could be just due to placenta placement or a smaller babe or a myriad of other things. At each midwife appointment we have clearly heard kicking and movement happening but it still worries me. That along with a bazillion other things every day cloud my thoughts with worry, many of which are normal worries. Some of these worries are not "normal," but some are--will my prolapse affect pregnancy or birth? Will this baby be healthy? Will my separated abs get worse? Will my PPD come back and get worse? Will I be able to handle 3 kids? Will I lose all the fitness progress I had made? 

Found here.

Everyone expects a pregnant mama to be excited. Nervous yes, but excited. And as I sit here often not feeling that excitement, I feel like a fraud. Like I don't deserve to be pregnant. Heck, it happened way faster than I had anticipated (or even really wanted). Most days, I feel indifferent about the whole thing. I can't seem to feel much of a connection with this little life at all. I feel ashamed, and I don't know how to combat it, so I have found myself withdrawing. Withdrawal has always been my coping mechanism, as much as I hate it. I have withdrawn from a lot of people and don't know how to stop. I'm not sure how to put myself out there again. I feel like a terrible friend, and like I am being so incredibly flaky. But this withdrawal, this retreat, has been necessary for my soul. I think I've needed to take some time away and just be. Now, though, I need to find my way back. No matter what the next months bring us, I know I am going to need the support of those closest to me. Adding another child into the mix isn't going to be easy! 

I'm trying to be excited, I really am. I've been talking baby up with the boys and it's so cute seeing them "talk to the baby" through my belly button. Maybe I'll be able to begin to connect with this little one after our ultrasound and we find out if mrblueberry needs to invest in a shot gun or not. Honestly, I haven't put much thought into the boy/girl debate because we all know girls are unlikely in mrblueberry's family. With A, I was sure he was a girl and when the ultrasound said differently, I was crushed. I felt so guilty for wanting to cry and being disappointed that I have purposely avoided any guessing this time around. Little by little, I'm sure the connection will come. There's still (only) at least 22 weeks left to go. That is lots of time to worry and connect and just try to be at peace with what is life. Worrying about what may or may not go wrong will not change what happens. So, I'm going forward with the intention to accept each moment for what it is and to enjoy the moments I have. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed to anyone.

Found here.