Seeing the Beauty in Imperfection

I have a 31 year old and 11 weeks postpartum body. I have a body that carried a third baby for 9 months. I have a body that grew and birthed its second 10 pound plus baby. I have a body that is still healing from the effects of pregnancy. When I look in the mirror, I see exactly that--a postpartum body that just one year ago was much stronger and less squishy than it is now. Some days, I'm okay with that. Some days I can look in the mirror and say, "Wow! Look at what you have done!" When E asks why my belly is still big, I can smile and not be offended on these days. On these days, I can see the beauty in the changes. And then some days I need a reminder to be gentle with myself as I push at my still round tummy and that overwhelming feeling of "ickiness" starts to come over me. It's hard to see some of the changes that came with this last pregnancy--the angry looking red stretch marks that grew longer and darker, the abs that separated more, the weakness that I now feel in my muscles. I need to remember that this body just grew and birthed a 10 lb 10 oz baby--of course it is going to be forever changed! 

Recently, I participated in Snow Pea Portraits "Love Your Body" project (in response to momstown Edmonton's #bareyourbelly event). It was an incredible experience that really made me think about how I feel about my body and why. This body is not perfect, but then no body is. There may be a little more of it than before I got pregnant this last time, and it may have more signs of aging popping up every time I turn around. But that just means it has lived and seen more. 

I didn't always feel this way about this body. I used to hate my body. Telling myself lie after lie after lie about how I needed to change it, to lose weight, to hide it. What a waste of energy and time that was. I wish I could go back in time and tell the younger version of me to not be afraid of what was to come. I wish I could tell her that she is beautiful just as she is and that she doesn't need to "lose that 15 pounds" in order to be pretty and loved. I wish I could tell her that this body of hers is going to do some amazing things, from running a half marathon to birthing three babies. I wish I could tell her that growing older just means living and that her body will show the beautiful life she is going to live. I wish I could tell her to love her body. Those signs of aging are signs of life--stretch marks that show this body has stretched beyond belief to grow and nourish three (large) beautiful baby boys, wrinkles that show both laughter and tears, and a squishy belly that is still hinting at a recent pregnancy. It's a body that is a soft place to fall for my boys--a mother's body. 

No, this body is not perfect. But it is mine. And because it is mine, it is just right.

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