When the Ultrasound Scan is Not What You Hope

I have 3 boys. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They regularly melt my heart the only way a son can, and frustrate me in all of the other ways any child can. I love them with all of my heart and soul. We never once "tried for a girl." But, if you think for a second that I did not feel an ounce of disappointment at any of our ultrasounds, you'd be sorely mistaken. 

From the time I was very young, I dreamed of having a girl. I picked out names that I loved and imagined all of the fun things we would do. I pictured helping get her into her wedding dress and holding her babies. When I was 16, I wrote a letter and sealed it to my future daughter at her 16th birthday. That was 16 years ago this upcoming April. I want to know what I wrote so badly, but I keep it hidden away for the future. And then I married a man who comes from a family of mostly boys. 

When I had my first son, I fell in love. He took my heart that I willingly gave him. He was a surprise. Even though we had 8 or 9 ultrasounds, we waited to find out who he was. I was expecting he would be a boy. With my second son, we decided we wanted to find out. So, at our anatomy scan we asked. I waited, with baited breath, hoping for the magical "girl" word. I had dreamed already this pregnancy that I had given birth to a sweet little girl. I was sure that this was a girl. And then the ultrasound technician spoke. "Look! Here is your son!"

My heart fell. I remember holding back tears as my husband chuckled and said "well, we knew that." I held that disappointment in for a week before we shared with everyone. We were going to wait longer before telling everyone, but I needed to see others excited. So, we shared. I told everyone how I was excited, even though I wasn't fully. I laughed at how much cheaper this would be since we had all boy stuff already. But I felt incredibly guilty for being disappointed. Here I was experiencing a healthy pregnancy and was carrying a healthy, baby boy. There are people who hope and pray for years for that. I hated myself for feeling like that. I felt like I was betraying this baby as well as the baby I lost in my first pregnancy. Slowly, over the course of my pregnancy, I began to connect with this boy. And when he was born, I couldn't imagine him being anyone else. He was perfect. 

Two years later I was expecting again. This time I refused to make any guesses as to the sex of the baby I was carrying. I joked that I was sure it was a boy since that's all that Wallaces usually produce. I didn't want to feel that disappointment again. At our anatomy scan, we asked and for the third time I heard "it's a boy!" I felt a slight twinge of disappointment but that was quickly replaced with visions of three boys wrestling and playing together. I was excited.

That little boy is now almost 6 months old. We still plan on having a fourth baby. And while I hope for a little girl, if that one is a boy I will be happy. I will have 4 sweet boys who I wouldn't trade for anything. I may feel a bit of regret since that will be last baby, but I will still be happy. I will walk my sons down the aisle should they choose to get married and hold their babies should they choose to have children. I will watch them grow into being the fathers I know they will be. I won't "try for a girl" when we decide it's time for baby #4. I know my chances are slim even if I wanted to,  And honestly, it doesn't matter. Whomever is meant to join us will join us. But if it happens, if we happen to conceive a baby girl, I don't know what I will do. Probably cry. And then go bankrupt.