Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Tonight I sat in my boys' room as the 4 year old was dreaming away, and the 2 year old was trying to go to sleep and relished the sound of the deep breathing of two of my greatest joys. As I sat there, the unborn child stretched out reminding me of his existence too (you know, just in case I had forgotten) and I was brought back to my birth experiences with both boys. I recounted how my water broke with E and how we went to the hospital so early. I remembered feeling out of control and stuck, especially when they brought out the forceps. And I remembered how completely amazing it was to hold him and look in his eyes for the first time, even if he was so tightly swaddled all I could see was his face! I then thought back to my experience with A and how completely different it was. I remembered feeling in control as I listened to my body tell me what it needed. I remembered feeling scared and worried too that I wouldn't be able to push him out. I remembered having to fight that battle in my head, and I remembered winning it. I remembered how it felt to push his slippery body out and bring him to my chest, my hands being the first to touch him in this world. And then I started to wonder how this birth that I now await will turn out. 

I was 40 weeks on Saturday. I am officially "overdue," whatever that means. In my head, I know that many pregnant mamas go past their due dates. I know that the "due date" is really just a guess date. In the words of my doula as she explained to her daughter, "a due date is a made up date that they give you that means nothing and that nobody actually gives birth on." I know that in my rational brain, but the pregnant part of me is starting to forget that rational part of me. I'm starting to have thoughts of being pregnant forever. I'm having increased difficulty with seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's all the questions from loved ones and strangers. Maybe it's the 4 days of 8+ hours of prodomal labour each day that seemed to be going somewhere but just stopped. Maybe it's the few random contractions a day since those days. I don't know. But I am really starting to wonder when I will actually meet this baby! I know logically that I won't be pregnant forever. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I've been trying to surround myself with positive affirmations about birth and pregnancy. It helps, but I still have hard moments. In addition to the affirmations I had with A, I am finding this one helpful: 

I can't wait to share this baby boy's birth story with you very soon. Hopefully, he chooses his birthday for a day that is sooner rather than later. Until then, we await his birth.