I am now 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I am exhausted, sore and generally moody. The smallest things set me off into an angry, pregnancy rage. Thankfully, mrblueberry is understanding and has been taking it all in stride. It is so hard at this point to be positive. I am trying. I keep repeating those affirmations in my mind. Nobody is pregnant forever. My body and my baby's body know what they are doing. He will come when he is ready. But it is still so difficult. I am starting to worry about risking out of my home birth and having to go to the hospital, and honestly, that scares me. I don't want to have this baby at the hospital. Nothing against hospital births, but I am really looking forward to labouring and birthing this baby in my own, safe space at home. To keep my mind off of things, I have been trying to keep busy. E and I go out every day, even if it is just for some window shopping or for a walk with our dog. I can't just stay at home and stare at the bi...
Sometimes I lay here in bed, basked in the sweet silence of a sleeping husband and baby, and reflect on my day. I try to be positive about it, but sometimes that negative mom guilt takes over and a parade of thoughts barrage into my brain. Did I yell too much? Did I feed them healthy enough food? Should we have gone outside more? Should I have played more with them? Was I present enough? Did I check my phone too much? Did I work too much? Did I worry about if the house was clean too much? Did I not clean enough? Did we laugh enough? Did we read enough? Did I tell them I love them enough? Was I enough? 
It's hard, this mom thing. There's so much information out there about what you should do, what you have to do, what you musn't do, what you must never do, and most of it is conflicting. Do this, do that, but don't you dare even think about this (and if you do for heavens sake don't tell anyone). I wonder if my mom felt this much pressure when we were kids, or if this pressure is compounded by the "google" generation of parents. Was it easier when you just had those immediately around you to possibly judge your choices? I am usually strong-headed and can roll my eyes and ignore things that don't sit right with me, but sometimes in the dark, silent night I wonder if I am making the right decisions throughout my days. Will I regret the decisions I made? Will I wish I had done things differently? I'm sure there are things that I will regret, but I can guarantee that there will be things that I wouldn't change in a heartbeat. I will not regret carrying my babies, or holding my babies, or playing with my kids, or ignoring the dirty dishes or the pile of laundry in order to build the biggest tower ever built. No, I definitely won't regret any of that. That is a promise I can keep. And tonight as I smell the sweet baby head that is snuggled into my arm, I know. Of course I was enough. Of course.
Comments