meditations of a blueberry

I love spending time with my mama friends. I love drinking coffee and laughing and watching our kids play together for hours on end. I love going out without the kids and laughing and just being silly together. I love going to the farmer’s market and festivals and swimming with my family. I love running around and dancing crazily with my boys. But I have a confession to make. Being around people drains me of energy. After doing any of these things, I often feel like I used to feel in university after a night of drinking. Tired. Exhausted. Drained. There is a simple reason for those feelings. One that I only truly discovered after having children. I am an introvert. Being around people use my energy and I need to spend time alone to recharge. Large, busy spaces overwhelm me. I easily get overwhelmed by noises and bright colours. I have to work hard to focus on the task at hand when I am immersed in a busy place. When I get overwhelmed, it’s easy to get frustrated and lose my temp...

2015 has not been kind to those around me so far. From cancer to random accidents, people I know and people I care about have been struck with tragedy and struggle. My own life has been confusing and the unknown stares me in my face yet again. To top it off, I spent the better part of this week recovering from a stomach bug and found out some awful news about a family member. It's no wonder moments of self-doubt and feelings of isolation have crept into my life. L is almost 8 months old, and in the last month, I have begun to feel the cold, bony fingers of postpartum depression try to get a stranglehold in my life. In the quiet moments of the evening, I have fought the thoughts that tell me I am alone. But in the dark of the night, as I lay awake with a screaming baby, those cold, bony fingers find their way into my heart. The menacing voice whispers that I'm not good enough, and laughs when I call it a lier. Its grip on my heart tightens and it tells me I will never be good e...

I have 3 boys. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They regularly melt my heart the only way a son can, and frustrate me in all of the other ways any child can. I love them with all of my heart and soul. We never once "tried for a girl." But, if you think for a second that I did not feel an ounce of disappointment at any of our ultrasounds, you'd be sorely mistaken.  From the time I was very young, I dreamed of having a girl. I picked out names that I loved and imagined all of the fun things we would do. I pictured helping get her into her wedding dress and holding her babies. When I was 16, I wrote a letter and sealed it to my future daughter at her 16th birthday. That was 16 years ago this upcoming April. I want to know what I wrote so badly, but I keep it hidden away for the future. And then I married a man who comes from a family of mostly boys.  When I had my first son, I fell in love. He took my heart that I willingly gave him. He was a sur...

Career Preparation 101 at the University of Parenting has taught me many essential skills, habits, and attitudes. It has helped me to develop my interpersonal/intrapersonal skills as well as much needed communication skills. Many of the course projects have taught me skills that I would learn and develop in several different jobs. I have three professors who really like to keep me on my toes. There are only two students in this class, and we regularly get thrown pop quizzes and mountains of homework (laundry). After 5 years of being immersed in this course, I believe I should now be able to add the following to my resume: Circus Performer:  Between sidestepping to avoid Lego and Mr. Potato Head pieces and doing endless rounds of Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes to keep my kids happy (often while wearing a baby on my back), I am almost constantly entertaining someone. I even have good experience with jumping through hoops in order to avoid toddler meltdowns.  Singer/Songw...

Dear Old Lady at the Grocery Store, The other day I was out shopping alone with the baby while my husband was at home with my other two. As is my usual routine, I was wearing him. I saw you walking with your husband. I saw your head turn as my baby caught your eye. I heard you tell your husband, "Oh! Just wait a moment!" The pit of my stomach churned with dread as I watched you walk toward me and the list of regular comments people say to mothers with babies flooded my brain. I pictured you saying a number of things, from something about being brave, to how my boy baby is a girl, to how he is huge for only three months, to how my husband is at home "babysitting," to how I must cherish all of the moments because it goes too fast (side note: I'm well aware that it goes fast, but I don't care what you say, I refuse to cherish and remember some moments...poopslosions anyone?). I imagined how you were going to reach out and touch my sleeping baby's face or ...

Sometimes I lay here in bed, basked in the sweet silence of a sleeping husband and baby, and reflect on my day. I try to be positive about it, but sometimes that negative mom guilt takes over and a parade of thoughts barrage into my brain. Did I yell too much? Did I feed them healthy enough food? Should we have gone outside more? Should I have played more with them? Was I present enough? Did I check my phone too much? Did I work too much? Did I worry about if the house was clean too much? Did I not clean enough? Did we laugh enough? Did we read enough? Did I tell them I love them enough? Was I enough?   It's hard, this mom thing. There's so much information out there about what you should do, what you have to do, what you musn't do, what you must never do, and most of it is conflicting. Do this, do that, but don't you dare even think about this (and if you do for heavens sake don't tell anyone). I wonder if my mom felt this much pressure when we were kids, or i...

I have a 31 year old and 11 weeks postpartum body. I have a body that carried a third baby for 9 months. I have a body that grew and birthed its second 10 pound plus baby. I have a body that is still healing from the effects of pregnancy. When I look in the mirror, I see exactly that--a postpartum body that just one year ago was much stronger and less squishy than it is now. Some days, I'm okay with that. Some days I can look in the mirror and say, "Wow! Look at what you have done!" When E asks why my belly is still big, I can smile and not be offended on these days. On these days, I can see the beauty in the changes. And then some days I need a reminder to be gentle with myself as I push at my still round tummy and that overwhelming feeling of "ickiness" starts to come over me. It's hard to see some of the changes that came with this last pregnancy--the angry looking red stretch marks that grew longer and darker, the abs that separated more, the weakness t...