Saying Goodbye to Babies

It's been a hot minute since I've blogged on here. The past year has been a whirlwind of personal leaps and jumps and moving forward in faith as I opened my own business as a doula. And in the midst of that, Mr Blueberry injured his back to the point he couldn't walk and was off work for months - and he's still recovering from that. And then the usual busy life of a family of 6 between school, appointments, and just life. 

And here we are. The day before Miss A turns three. 

And I have no idea where the time went.

I mean, I know it passes. That's what time does.

But it feels like yesterday that I sat in that warm water in my kitchen in awe that I just birthed a daughter, strong in my power as a mom of babies.

And now I look at her playing with her brothers, telling them what she wants and being fierce about her space and I just can't believe it.

Today is the last day that I will have a two year old.

It's the last day I will breathe in her two year old scent and hold her two year old body to my breast.

It's the last day her two year old arms will wrap around my neck - and my heart.

It's the last day I'll hear her two year old voice singing Baby Beluga.

Tomorrow, she will be three.

And not much will change in terms of her arms hugging me and her sweet voice singing Baby Beluga, but I've realized I've been holding on to her being a baby still. Even though last year I wrote about exiting babyhood, I've been grasping tightly to her babyhood. At three, there is no denying it - she's not a baby any longer.

And I'm okay with that.

We've said a final goodbye to our diapers, and hello to underwear and visiting bathrooms everywhere we go.

She rarely asks to go uppy anymore in favour of walking (or running).

As long as she's nursing, I'll have a wee bit of my baby left, but even nursing has seemed to lessen its hold on her.

And here we are.

On the precipice of a new stage with kids.

And I realize that the mom I was will have to change to adjust to this new stage. I'm no longer a mom of babies. I've been that mom for so long, that I don't know what it looks like to be a mom without having babies. I don't know how to be a mom without having to deal with diapers and breastfeeding and babywearing and strollers. And part of me wishes that this stage didn't have to end because I'm afraid that I won't be able to figure out the next stage. 

But end it will.

And we will move forward as we entered into parenthood at the start - with excitement, trepidation, and trust that we will figure it all out. 

So, it's a bittersweet goodbye to the baby stage and the mom I had to be, and hello to whatever comes next and the mom I will become. I'm not sure what this next stage looks like or who I will become, but I look forward whatever challenges and celebrations await us.

PS: I'll be blogging over on my other blog more regularly, so check it out here: sarahwallacedoula.com/blog