The Secret Nobody Talks About

http://theydonttellyou.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/there-are-only-two-days-in-every-week/

There is a secret about motherhood that nobody really talks about. Sure, moms will talk about it with each other. You'll hear them whispering about it in the corners of Starbucks when they manage to get out for a coffee date without any kids. You'll hear them talking a little more loudly about it as kids run around their legs at the local playground. You'll see new moms on message boards wondering if they are alone in dealing with it. You may even see hints of it when you look into their eyes. It's a dark secret that a new mom will try to deny for months and months. It's a secret that will make her cry, yell, and feel awful. It's a secret that will make her wonder if something is wrong with her, or if it's her kids. It's a secret that shouldn't be kept. Moms-to-be should know this secret. They should be prepared so that when it happens, they aren't hit with a tonne of bricks. Becoming a mother is a big enough change on its own; there's no need adding in something else that will rip apart your emotions.

So, I know you're wondering. What is this secret I keep talking about? What could rip apart your emotions more than having a baby? Let me put it this way: it has to do with what happens to your friends when you have a baby. If you're a mom, you're likely nodding your head now because you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're not a mom, let me fill you in. When you have kids, sometimes your friends disappear. I know. I know. All of you who are not yet moms are thinking, "That's not true! I would never turn from a friend just because she had a baby!" But, I'm sorry to say, it is very true. It's very true, and very sad.

What is it about having children that makes many of your old friends disappear? Sure, they are around to ooh and ahh over the baby for a few days or weeks but often after that *poof* they are gone. The phone calls slowly dwindle down when they realize you can't answer the phone every time like you used to. The invitations to events stop coming even before you feel like you always decline. Since E was born, I often wondered why this happened. Do they think parenthood is catching? If they spend too much time with you they will suddenly become pregnant? When you have a baby suddenly your whole world changes and it can be really hard to think about anyone or anything else for weeks or even months. And even after that, more often than not, our children dominate our thoughts and decisions. Shouldn't our friends understand this? Or at least tolerate it? Instead of getting mad that we cannot live our lives the way we used to? No, I cannot leave my newborn and go out for drinks with you! No, I need to be home for bedtime! No, I can't just go out on a whim whenever I want! No, I am just too tired to talk to anyone! Yes, even though I may complain about things, I cannot imagine my life any other way.

Even almost two years after E was born, I still find that my closest friends pre-baby don't feel as close anymore. We can go months without talking. Our conversations sometimes stall as we desperately seek common ground. I find myself yearning for them to hurry up and have babies. But, I know that's not the solution. They do not walk the same path I walk and may not take the turn into parenthood. And that is okay. I love them and cherish our friendship as it grows and evolves. I love hearing about their journeys, and the twists, turns, and bumps that they encounter along the way. I must admit, when I talk to these friends, I sometimes wonder if I took the right turn when I decided to have a family. It's hard to be the one who is changing and moving on into the next book in the series when everyone else is not. You will have friends that know this and respect that change happens. Not everyone will disappear. And you will make new friends who are in the same space as you. As you change and move on in your life, so do your relationships. In the words of Oscar Wilde,

    "The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." 

Friendships evolve over time, and if they don't, they die. As hard as that may be to fathom, it's really for the best. Some people come into our lives, unpack their bags, and stay awhile. Some people come in and then quickly leave. Both types of people are necessary in our life. Both teach us different things about ourselves and about life. Learn from them. Love them. And if they leave your life, hold onto the lessons they taught you. We're each on our own journey.