An Exciting Confession

Photo by Snow Pea Portraits. Thanks Jen!
I have a confession to make, and it makes me feel like a fraud. The past couple of months I have talked about our journey trying to conceive and how my friends' pregnancy announcements have affected me. And the whole time, I've been keeping a secret. I am pregnant and due in early June! Yes, you read that right. I have suspected this was so since my sister's Mother Blessing when I was in Golden, and I found out for sure on Monday, October 3.  So I have known for almost 2 months! And I continued to write, and act, as if I wasn't.  To be fair, those posts are true. I have felt (and feel) every word of every one of those posts.  Oddly, being pregnant almost made it harder for me to hear the announcements of others. Like my news was not so special anymore because they had the same news. I know. It doesn't make any sense to me either. I feel slightly deceitful, but I needed to keep my news in for the first bit and I didn't know how else to deal with my feelings.

Miscarriages do a lot of damage to the psyche, even years after the fact. The past couple of months have drained my body and soul. I am completely excited to meet this baby, but I am anxious. Will I get to meet this baby? With E, I was nervous and worried throughout the whole first trimester, and truthfully, the whole pregnancy. With this pregnancy, I am even more nervous and the second trimester can't get here soon enough. Next week, I will be 13 weeks and the first trimester will be a thing of the past. How is that possible? I have experienced the end result and I know my body can carry a pregnancy to term. But therein lies the problem. I HAVE experienced it. I know what I will be missing if something goes wrong. With E, I didn't know. I had an idea, but I didn't KNOW.

It is hard to be pregnant with a toddler. And did I mention that E is still breastfeeding?  Being pregnant, while dealing with a breastfeeding toddler who has taken up biting your tender nipples is about as much fun as it sounds. I am constantly tired, and usually nauseous. I have found that my nausea is linked to my hunger and my fatigue. If I get hungry or tired, I get nauseous. I know this. But I have no appetite. Food, and especially cooking said food, does NOT appeal to me. And you can't really take a nap whenever you're tired when you have a 17 month old insisting you read "Chicka, Chicka, Boom Boom" or "I Have to Go" for the umpteenth time. So, I am coping. I nap when E naps. Sometimes, I'll bring E into his bedroom, close his door, and curl up on his floor for five minutes while he reads his books--that is, until he decides I make a good horse and he should sit on me, or that I should read to him one of the aforementioned books!

Ultimately, though, I am incredibly excited about this pregnancy. We met our midwife today, and I am so relieved that we were able to get on with one. I am even more thrilled about our decision to have a home birth. Our hospital experience with E (as well as the miscarriage) was less than ideal, and I am looking forward to being able to labour at home, deliver my baby here, and then curl up with my family in my own bed. 

What are your tips for being pregnant while nursing a toddler? Any "keep toddler busy" tips that don't consist of turning on the TV? And what are your thoughts on home birth? Any tips for me for dealing with those that may not approve?

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