meditations of a blueberry

Boxes may now grace the rooms of this house,  But not long ago,  This house was a home.  In this house, Babies have been made and babies have grown.  Two of my babies have taken their first breaths within these walls. So many firsts have graced these walls - first cries, first laughs, first steps, first words. So many meals have been enjoyed (and not enjoyed) together. The scent of home cooking and new baby smells have wafted through many noses. Laughter has rang through the halls and rooms. Tears have formed rivers as grief has taken hold. Moments upon moments of silence have passed by as I've just rocked and watched my kids breathe and sleep in my arms.  I have grown up from just a girl to a woman to a mom. I have watched as my husband has grown from a boy to a man to a dad. We have grown together. We have fought and yelled at each other and we have fought together for each other.  We have yelled at the world together and the unfair uglines...

Change is inevitable. In every moment of every day, change is happening. As much as you try, you cannot run from it and you cannot hide from it. Change will find you no matter what you do.  Change is never more apparent than in the fall when orange and red engulf the trees. From fully green, the trees embrace the change and celebrate it with a gorgeous explosion of colour. Why is it so hard for us as adults to embrace change the same way? My last five months have been full of change. All of the months of change with momstown to momstown eventually closing and losing my job. Getting pregnant and being reminded of 6 years before when I lost my very first pregnancy that was on the same time line that this one is. Deciding to sell our house and move out of the city. Loved ones moving on from this world. So much change that I cannot stop. So much stress, so many tears. I've spent the last few months floating through space, not knowing where or who I am supposed to be. Watc...

I love spending time with my mama friends. I love drinking coffee and laughing and watching our kids play together for hours on end. I love going out without the kids and laughing and just being silly together. I love going to the farmer’s market and festivals and swimming with my family. I love running around and dancing crazily with my boys. But I have a confession to make. Being around people drains me of energy. After doing any of these things, I often feel like I used to feel in university after a night of drinking. Tired. Exhausted. Drained. There is a simple reason for those feelings. One that I only truly discovered after having children. I am an introvert. Being around people use my energy and I need to spend time alone to recharge. Large, busy spaces overwhelm me. I easily get overwhelmed by noises and bright colours. I have to work hard to focus on the task at hand when I am immersed in a busy place. When I get overwhelmed, it’s easy to get frustrated and lose my temp...

2015 has not been kind to those around me so far. From cancer to random accidents, people I know and people I care about have been struck with tragedy and struggle. My own life has been confusing and the unknown stares me in my face yet again. To top it off, I spent the better part of this week recovering from a stomach bug and found out some awful news about a family member. It's no wonder moments of self-doubt and feelings of isolation have crept into my life. L is almost 8 months old, and in the last month, I have begun to feel the cold, bony fingers of postpartum depression try to get a stranglehold in my life. In the quiet moments of the evening, I have fought the thoughts that tell me I am alone. But in the dark of the night, as I lay awake with a screaming baby, those cold, bony fingers find their way into my heart. The menacing voice whispers that I'm not good enough, and laughs when I call it a lier. Its grip on my heart tightens and it tells me I will never be good e...

I have 3 boys. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They regularly melt my heart the only way a son can, and frustrate me in all of the other ways any child can. I love them with all of my heart and soul. We never once "tried for a girl." But, if you think for a second that I did not feel an ounce of disappointment at any of our ultrasounds, you'd be sorely mistaken.  From the time I was very young, I dreamed of having a girl. I picked out names that I loved and imagined all of the fun things we would do. I pictured helping get her into her wedding dress and holding her babies. When I was 16, I wrote a letter and sealed it to my future daughter at her 16th birthday. That was 16 years ago this upcoming April. I want to know what I wrote so badly, but I keep it hidden away for the future. And then I married a man who comes from a family of mostly boys.  When I had my first son, I fell in love. He took my heart that I willingly gave him. He was a sur...

Career Preparation 101 at the University of Parenting has taught me many essential skills, habits, and attitudes. It has helped me to develop my interpersonal/intrapersonal skills as well as much needed communication skills. Many of the course projects have taught me skills that I would learn and develop in several different jobs. I have three professors who really like to keep me on my toes. There are only two students in this class, and we regularly get thrown pop quizzes and mountains of homework (laundry). After 5 years of being immersed in this course, I believe I should now be able to add the following to my resume: Circus Performer:  Between sidestepping to avoid Lego and Mr. Potato Head pieces and doing endless rounds of Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes to keep my kids happy (often while wearing a baby on my back), I am almost constantly entertaining someone. I even have good experience with jumping through hoops in order to avoid toddler meltdowns.  Singer/Songw...

Dear Old Lady at the Grocery Store, The other day I was out shopping alone with the baby while my husband was at home with my other two. As is my usual routine, I was wearing him. I saw you walking with your husband. I saw your head turn as my baby caught your eye. I heard you tell your husband, "Oh! Just wait a moment!" The pit of my stomach churned with dread as I watched you walk toward me and the list of regular comments people say to mothers with babies flooded my brain. I pictured you saying a number of things, from something about being brave, to how my boy baby is a girl, to how he is huge for only three months, to how my husband is at home "babysitting," to how I must cherish all of the moments because it goes too fast (side note: I'm well aware that it goes fast, but I don't care what you say, I refuse to cherish and remember some moments...poopslosions anyone?). I imagined how you were going to reach out and touch my sleeping baby's face or ...