meditations of a blueberry

Dear Old Lady at the Grocery Store, The other day I was out shopping alone with the baby while my husband was at home with my other two. As is my usual routine, I was wearing him. I saw you walking with your husband. I saw your head turn as my baby caught your eye. I heard you tell your husband, "Oh! Just wait a moment!" The pit of my stomach churned with dread as I watched you walk toward me and the list of regular comments people say to mothers with babies flooded my brain. I pictured you saying a number of things, from something about being brave, to how my boy baby is a girl, to how he is huge for only three months, to how my husband is at home "babysitting," to how I must cherish all of the moments because it goes too fast (side note: I'm well aware that it goes fast, but I don't care what you say, I refuse to cherish and remember some moments...poopslosions anyone?). I imagined how you were going to reach out and touch my sleeping baby's face or ...

Sometimes I lay here in bed, basked in the sweet silence of a sleeping husband and baby, and reflect on my day. I try to be positive about it, but sometimes that negative mom guilt takes over and a parade of thoughts barrage into my brain. Did I yell too much? Did I feed them healthy enough food? Should we have gone outside more? Should I have played more with them? Was I present enough? Did I check my phone too much? Did I work too much? Did I worry about if the house was clean too much? Did I not clean enough? Did we laugh enough? Did we read enough? Did I tell them I love them enough? Was I enough?   It's hard, this mom thing. There's so much information out there about what you should do, what you have to do, what you musn't do, what you must never do, and most of it is conflicting. Do this, do that, but don't you dare even think about this (and if you do for heavens sake don't tell anyone). I wonder if my mom felt this much pressure when we were kids, or i...

I have a 31 year old and 11 weeks postpartum body. I have a body that carried a third baby for 9 months. I have a body that grew and birthed its second 10 pound plus baby. I have a body that is still healing from the effects of pregnancy. When I look in the mirror, I see exactly that--a postpartum body that just one year ago was much stronger and less squishy than it is now. Some days, I'm okay with that. Some days I can look in the mirror and say, "Wow! Look at what you have done!" When E asks why my belly is still big, I can smile and not be offended on these days. On these days, I can see the beauty in the changes. And then some days I need a reminder to be gentle with myself as I push at my still round tummy and that overwhelming feeling of "ickiness" starts to come over me. It's hard to see some of the changes that came with this last pregnancy--the angry looking red stretch marks that grew longer and darker, the abs that separated more, the weakness t...

Loïc James, wrapped in a blanket from my own birth It's been a little over five weeks since my life was changed yet again. On June 27, 2014 at 4:29 am, little L arrived in our bedroom! He weighed 10 lbs 10 oz, was 19.5 inches long, and had a 15.75 inch head circumference. He was big! Only five weeks, yet it seems like he's always been a part of our family. E and A are loving being big brothers. E dotes on L and keeps asking why L cannot go for a bike ride or play with bubbles with him. A is also smitten, but every so often (more than I would like) he remembers he is two and forgets what being gentle looks like. Little L is going to be able to take anything if that keeps up. Perhaps that is just the way it is for baby number three? I started this blog post with the intention of writing my birth story, but I'm not sure I'm ready. L's birth did not go as smoothly as I had hoped. After the relative smoothness of A's birth, I had been  expecting that this b...

Tonight I sat in my boys' room as the 4 year old was dreaming away, and the 2 year old was trying to go to sleep and relished the sound of the deep breathing of two of my greatest joys. As I sat there, the unborn child stretched out reminding me of his existence too (you know, just in case I had forgotten) and I was brought back to my birth experiences with both boys. I recounted how my water broke with E and how we went to the hospital so early . I remembered feeling out of control and stuck, especially when they brought out the forceps. And I remembered how completely amazing it was to hold him and look in his eyes for the first time, even if he was so tightly swaddled all I could see was his face! I then thought back to my experience with A and how completely different it was . I remembered feeling in control as I listened to my body tell me what it needed. I remembered feeling scared and worried too that I wouldn't be able to push him out. I remembered having to fight that ...

There is something about the last weeks of pregnancy that just reinforces that sometimes you must give up control and sometimes you truly just do not have any control at all. Analyzing every twinge and tightening as you await labour to start only makes things more clear. Waiting for labour truly reminds us of how we are not in any way in control of this thing called life. Oh, we try. We try to control it with so-called natural induction techniques. Drink red raspberry leaf tea. Go for walks. Use evening primrose oil. Get an induction massage. Have sex. Eat spicy food. Eat fresh pineapple.  Drink castor oil (do not actually do that!). There's so many old wives' tales for naturally inducing labour out there, that I don't even know them all! But in the end, none of this will work if baby and body are not ready. We truly are not in control. And it bothers us to no end. So, we have more medically inclined techniques that we often fall on when we hit that uncomfortable stage. Sw...

Tomorrow, I will be 38 weeks pregnant. I am excited, sore, tired (no, exhausted), and starting to get very irritable. I am trying hard to not let the irritation overtake me, but I definitely have felt it creep in more than I would like. I keep being told to stay active, yet to rest. I don't really know what these people think when they say that. I am tired of people being surprised when I tell them I'm due, or saying that I must be uncomfortable, or telling me I am huge and that it must be twins, etc, etc, etc. Last pregnancy, I felt incredible irritation at those comments. This time though I am finding myself more able to just smile and nod at them. Perhaps it's because I realize that these people mean well, or perhaps it's because I just don't care anymore what they say. I hope it's an indication that I am doing better at handling my emotions and that that means I won't have to fight with PPD this time.  I look around and see all of the signs of kids...