meditations of a blueberry

I am introvert , but it is only recently that I have come to realize that. I have always known that I prefer the company of small groups to large, and that I need to make sure to take alone time to recharge, but I haven't always realized that it meant I am an introvert. All my life, people would call me "shy" or "quiet" until you got to know me. I even have had a few people think I was standoffish or a bitch because I'm not immediately approachable in most circumstances. Those comments hurt a lot when mrblueberry told me about them the first time. I don't mean to be standoffish or to seem like a snob. But, I need that time to adjust and feel comfortable in situations. I prefer to sit back and observe in all new situations or in situations with people I don't know well. I prefer to be one of the first to arrive so that I can gradually adjust. If necessary (like with teaching or momstown), I can push it away and be more "extroverted" for a t...

Thank you to my fantastic friend Jen at Snow Pea Portraits for the great photo above!  http://www.snowpeaportraits.com/ The past year and a half has been an amazing journey, full of high highs and low lows. I trained for and ran a half marathon . I lost over 50 pounds in 6 months. A past injury flared up and sidelined me from running. Uterine prolapse came into my life. Postpartum depression took over my life. We got pregnant again. So far, my thirties have been full of emotions, body change, and body issues. I have felt like a warrior and felt like my body was broken within the span of a month.  When I saw that little plus sign back in the fall, I was scared of what it meant for my body. I carry my babies big, and I make big babies . I have gained about 50 lbs with each baby, and on my small 5'3" frame, that's a lot of pounds. I was determined to make it through this pregnancy active and strong. I dedicated myself to doing yoga a couple of times a week, and decid...

As I sit here this afternoon, I hear the sounds of two little boys becoming best friends. A has finally reached an age where he is starting to actually play with E. Almost every day since Christmas, I have watched them play with their new train set together. They build the tracks throughout the house, sometimes with a little fighting, but not usually. I hear E's little 3 year old voice occasionally say, "Do you need my help?" or "Please don't break it Araric." It's amazing seeing them play together, even if some days they fight more than they play. When I first found out I was pregnant, I got scared that this new baby will change their relationship in a way that is just unavoidable. I was mostly scared that this new baby would ruin that bond that they are forming. And then, I look at my friends with three or more children and I realize that I'm right. Their relationship will change, but it will change in ways that are amazing. Instead of only having ...

Found here. This past Saturday marked the 18 week point in this third pregnancy. It's hard to believe that 18 weeks have already passed. It feels like yesterday that I was looking at that plus sign, and yet, here we are 4 days before the "big ultrasound."  Someone asked me the other day if I was excited and I didn't know how to answer. Truthfully, I'm not sure how I feel. So far, I've been plagued with a lot of anxiety this pregnancy. I was anxious my last pregnancies too, but not like this time. I just can't get it out of my mind that something could be wrong with this pregnancy and baby. I have had no indications to show that, but it still constantly runs through my head. I find myself comparing this pregnancy to my last and worrying. With A, I felt full on kicks at 14 weeks. But I haven't felt much movement yet besides little butterfly feelings that could very well have been something else. I worry that something is wrong, even though I know it ...

Sometimes life seems to rush past us faster than we can believe. Often, it is our own doing. We speed through our days, barely paying attention to the food that we are or aren't putting in our bodies. Our foot is heavy on the gas pedal of life and before we know it, we are barely noticing our surroundings. We speed along until something forces us to stop. That has been my life since joining TNT and having that amazing experience in Vancouver. While I wouldn't trade it for anything, I was so busy I couldn't think. The last 8 months since the marathon has been one thing going wrong after another. From major car issues and my health issues, to PPD and loved ones having health scares, bad things just keep happening. This last month has been the icing on the cake. In the midst of a very busy fall, cold snap and major winter storm, little man A developed croup so badly that in two days, we took him to the ER three different times (one at 3 am!). If that wasn't bad enough, bot...

I've always wanted a big family. For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed about hearing all those little feet running around my home. Mrblueberry and I agreed to four. So, when A was born I didn't have any doubt that we would try again after a couple of years. We thought the ideal spread would be three years between A and baby three. Fourteen months later and my nephew I is born. I'm smitten by the pictures and can't get enough. I haven't even met the sweet, little squish, and I'm in love! I realize I'm ready to start trying, a year earlier than planned. Mrblueberry agrees. But then, I spend the next month unsure about that decision and, on more than one occasion, think that maybe I am okay with just two children. I think that maybe I don't want more than two and maybe I can only handle two children.  What happened next, I did not expect. For both boys, it took seven months of trying to be successful. Seven months of charting and planning. Sev...

Being pregnant is a time like no other. It is wonderful and beautiful and scary and ugly all at the same time. There are changes happening to your body and to your mind. You're confused, amazed, determined, and trying to make the best decisions possible. And people throw information and opinions at you like they would throw water on you if you were on fire. Seriously. Being pregnant is like an invitation for hearing someone's opinion . Opinions that all start with "you should" or "you shouldn't." And what happens with all these opinions? They permeate your brain and without you even knowing it, they poison you. You start thinking "I shouldn't eat this," "I shouldn't need a nap," "I should feel this way," "I shouldn't feel this way," "I shouldn't wear this," etc, etc, etc. It's impossible to get away from, and truthfully, it continues far into motherhood. I often find myself thinking ...