meditations of a blueberry

I've always wanted a big family. For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed about hearing all those little feet running around my home. Mrblueberry and I agreed to four. So, when A was born I didn't have any doubt that we would try again after a couple of years. We thought the ideal spread would be three years between A and baby three. Fourteen months later and my nephew I is born. I'm smitten by the pictures and can't get enough. I haven't even met the sweet, little squish, and I'm in love! I realize I'm ready to start trying, a year earlier than planned. Mrblueberry agrees. But then, I spend the next month unsure about that decision and, on more than one occasion, think that maybe I am okay with just two children. I think that maybe I don't want more than two and maybe I can only handle two children.  What happened next, I did not expect. For both boys, it took seven months of trying to be successful. Seven months of charting and planning. Sev...

Being pregnant is a time like no other. It is wonderful and beautiful and scary and ugly all at the same time. There are changes happening to your body and to your mind. You're confused, amazed, determined, and trying to make the best decisions possible. And people throw information and opinions at you like they would throw water on you if you were on fire. Seriously. Being pregnant is like an invitation for hearing someone's opinion . Opinions that all start with "you should" or "you shouldn't." And what happens with all these opinions? They permeate your brain and without you even knowing it, they poison you. You start thinking "I shouldn't eat this," "I shouldn't need a nap," "I should feel this way," "I shouldn't feel this way," "I shouldn't wear this," etc, etc, etc. It's impossible to get away from, and truthfully, it continues far into motherhood. I often find myself thinking ...

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have family and friends who love me, children who are healthy and growing, a warm house to come home to, food on my table and in my belly. I've experienced hardship and loss, but I am still standing. No matter the dark forest that my life road has taken me through, I have emerged, sometimes beaten and bruised, but still alive.  I've written several times about my postpartum depression these past few months, and how I've finally found myself again after many months of not knowing where to look. There were many dark days. More than I care to admit. But no matter how dark the days seemed, my friends and family were always there shining a light and reaching out to help support me. In the darkest of times, a word, a hug, a smile that said "I'm here" helped to light the way. They picked me up and carried me when I had barely the strength to open my eyes. I'm not sure they realized the strength they gave to me by just remin...

http://leonaseikkailee.blogspot.ca/ Last month, I made a commitment to myself to go to hot yoga six days a week. It was hard as a busy mom of two even busier boys to make such a commitment, but mrblueberry helped me and encouraged me to go on days I didn't want to go. During those classes, I saw my body change and get stronger. As that happened, I found myself not only being able to go deeper into the poses, but also being able to let go and just focus on my breath. How freeing that was! I had always heard that yoga was good for the soul, but I didn't realize the emotional healing that could occur on the mat. Most classes, I set my intention for peace. But one class, I felt an overwhelming urge to set it for healing, so I did. It was the hardest class I had been to, and it was such an effort to get through each pose. About halfway through, each pose suddenly became easier. My breath came more smoothly, and the poses came easier. I left that class feeling invigorated and ex...

A very wise friend once told me that "Three is two with intent." I don't think wiser words have ever been spoken. E has been three for over a couple of months now, and I am (not so) slowly losing my mind. Sometimes, I even find myself wishing he was back in that hitting/pushing phase! Two wasn't easy, but it sure wasn't as hard or as terrible as I had imagined it being. Three is proving to be another story. When I was teaching my first year, I had an interesting class of grade ones. It was a small class, but it was a hard class. There were many behaviour and learning issues that were hard to address for a first year teacher, but I managed to do a decent job. Until Christmas. After Christmas, J showed up. He was just looking for someone to say NO to and it turned out that I was that perfect person. Within the first week, he showed himself to me and was the first student I ever had that said NO. I didn't know what to do. I tried my normal techniques, but nothi...

Dear my pre-children friends, I love you. I cherish your friendships and the memories we made before I had children. I love when we get to spend time together, or even just chat on the phone. I love hearing about your days and how you are excited for the things that are happening in your life. I rejoice when things are great, and cry for you when things don't go so well. A chat or visit from you can be just what my soul needs. I know we don't get to spend as much time together as we used to. And I'm sorry. But I need you to understand something. I'm tired. Really tired. My days are spent with two children who need me more than anyone or anything else needs me right now. In any given moment, I could be a teacher, a referee, a coach, a taxi driver, a lawyer, a gymnasium, a nurse, a maid, a cook, or a warm place to fall. The soundtrack of my day consists of fighting, crying, whining, laughing, and toddler I love yous. The scents of poop, pee, baby puke, and my ow...

Have you ever had one of those months when it doesn't seem like anything is going right? That was pretty much my whole summer. And it culminated with a week of heart ache, frustration, and emotion. To top it off, mrblueberry wasn't even home, though he was where he needed to be. In my own haze, I made a mistake. I missed replying to a text. A simple mistake, but one that I regret. A friend was in need, and I failed her. I've always tried to be there for friends, no matter my own situation at the time. This time it didn't happen. I guess this summer hit me harder than I thought.  Between everything that happened though, I managed to find myself again. I still lose her from time to time, but more often than not, when I look in the mirror, she's there. I'm not sure how I found her,  but somewhere amidst the camping and focusing on my family, she emerged bright and beautiful. I have learned some of my triggers that sends her away too which has made a difference in k...