February and Loss

February. There has always been something to look forward to in February. Reading week always fell in February in university. Since moving to Alberta, there was always Family Day weekend (a welcome break that BC doesn't have!). And, of course, there is always Valentine's Day. Since 2010, however, I have not looked forward to this month, especially Valentine's Day. This year and the last, the day has snuck up on me and not until a day or two before did I realize what was passing. Valentine's Day was my due date with our angel baby. Two years ago, I should have been holding a newborn. Instead, I was halfway through a new pregnancy but still grieving the loss from the summer before. I remember feeling so off balance that year. I was excited to be pregnant, but I was also sad for what I had lost. And the guilt. Oh the guilt. I felt guilty for being happy about being pregnant because it felt like I was betraying the baby I lost. But then I felt guilty for feeling guilty because it felt like that guilt was betraying the current pregnancy.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful and happy that we have E. He is truly my life's happiness, and I can't imagine what I would do without him. But I can't help but feel sad when I think about the life that was not to be. Who would that little one have been? Would she have my thick hair? Would she have her father's outgoing personality? Even two and a half years later, I still wonder and think about what might have been. I spoke to my Nana a few months after miscarrying in an email. She lost several babies throughout her life, and her youngest daughter died shortly after birth. This is what she told me:

What I was thinking about was whether it was the same for you as it was for me, many years ago when I lost a baby, everyone just ignored it as if it never happened and that it meant nothing to me. It really hurt especially when we lost Michele. To this day I can see her and always wished I'd gotten to at least touch her. Things were different in those days.

So, even many, many years after a loss it still hurts. Other friends and family I have spoken to that have lost babies tell me that they still think about their lost babies too. So, I know I am not alone. And that brings a little comfort to me. And yet, it makes me angry at the same time. I wish that nobody had to join this awful club of mothers who have lost babies. The member list should have zero names on it.

Valentine's Day will forever hold a different meaning for me. A time to celebrate our love, but a time to be thankful as well for what we have. And when mrblueberry and I celebrate our love, I will also be saying a little prayer for the life that brought us closer together.