Is this the end?

After 19 months and 2 weeks exactly, it is looking like it might be very close to the end of my breastfeeding relationship with E. I have had plenty of milk up until a couple of days ago when I noticed that my supply had really plummeted. I suppose that the pregnancy hormones have finally overpowered the lactation hormones and my milk is turning back to colostrum. I went into this pregnancy with the attitude that I would just let nature take its course. I decided that I would let E decide when he was done, and that I wouldn't force him to wean. And I have. But it doesn't make it any easier to realize that my milk is pretty much gone.

I don't remember the last time I heard E swallow during nursing. And when I try to express anything after he's tried to nurse, there is nothing there. Barely even a drop. Unlike before when even after he was done, I could continue to express a fair amount of milk. What is most heartbreaking for me is that E isn't really ready to be finished breastfeeding. He still tries and tries to get a letdown. He will massage my breast and do anything he can to try to get a letdown to happen. He'll squeeze it like I do when I am hand expressing and try to squirt it into his mouth even. And then look at me and want me to express some. When he sees a little drop when I do so, he gets so excited and latches right on. And then he will often sit up and sign "milk, more milk" when he can't get anything more. It just breaks my heart. 

Last night was the worst. He cried, and cried when I told him there was no more milk. I just cried along with him. I wanted so badly to be able to give him what he wanted and needed and I couldn't. Today has been a little better. He nursed himself to sleep at his nap (actually, we both fell asleep--an occurrence that rarely happens anymore). But it was mostly just dry nursing. I know that it's okay for him to dry nurse as long as I am okay with it. And for the most part, I am. Some sessions I feel like my skin is crawling though, so those times I have to end it before he's ready. 

How do I plan to go forward from here? Well, I will continue to nurse him when he wants. Even if there isn't any milk. I will let him try until he doesn't ask for milk anymore. Maybe he will continue until my milk comes back, and after this new baby is born, maybe he will want to nurse with his brother. Maybe he will wean, but will "unwean" after the baby is born. Maybe he won't. For now, I am just cherishing each and every time I get to nurse him in case that is the last time. I know that our relationship isn't defined by breastfeeding, but it has been such a big part of our lives, that it is hard to imagine life without it. I know that should he wean, we will continue on and I will know that I gave him the best start to life that I could have. I made it much farther than I had ever imagined. Only 19 months ago I was hoping to make it to 6 weeks, and well, we sure blew that goal out of the water! But for now, I am sad and am grieving the end of this part of our relationship. And that is okay.