meditations of a blueberry

Recently, I had the displeasure to experience first hand what it feels like to have my parenting questioned. To me, it felt like an attack. It was not a nice feeling. I spent a lot of time in tears, a lot of time angry, and a lot of time questioning every single decision I have made as a parent. I found myself wondering if I saw E with blind eyes and if he truly was the way he was being made out to be. And I think that hurt the worst of all. To suddenly be thinking about your child in such a negative way is not a very comforting thing in the least. Luckily, I had the support of mrblueberry and some very good friends who held me up and helped me to get through it. Without them, I don't know what I would have done. I have learned a few things from this experience about myself, my friends, and the "mommy world" in general. I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I also learned that I really need to trust my gut when it comes to those people I want in my life. Ju...

Some of you may or may not know this, but I am actually an incredibly shy (and slightly insecure) person. That may come as a surprise to many of you (I'm talking to you momstown moms!) as you have seen me out and about and heard me talk, but it is absolutely true. I am secure in my decisions and own them, but as a person, I have always had nagging insecurities. I have never fared well in large groups of people, even groups that are made up of mostly people I know. It takes me a long time to connect with people and make new friends. I find myself shutting myself off a little and hiding behind a wall. I am quiet and not the person that I am in small groups. I have heard people say that they thought I was a bit of a snob or that I am intimidating because of this, but in reality, it was (is) just me feeling like I need to protect myself. I'm not an anti-social person; I just need time to connect with people! Mrblueberry and I used to get into a lot of arguments because of this issu...

Normally, I hate Fridays. Fridays are always such a long day in the blueberry household. Mrblueberry works at his retail job Friday nights, so it is all me, all day. Having to be "on" all day for a toddler sure makes for one tired pregnant momma. Yesterday was no exception. The third trimester seems to have kicked in early and I feel like I hit a brick wall most of the day now. It doesn't help that E has discovered a new love of making the biggest messes everywhere I turn. By the time mrblueberry came home between school and work, I was almost passed out on the couch as E brought me a new book to read every few minutes. Thankfully, I was able to get a short 20 minute nap before mrblueberry had to leave for work. It didn't really help much though and I struggled to get through to the time when I could acceptably put E down for bed. When it was finally time and I started to run his bath, E turned on his charm. He started laughing and being silly and calling "daddy....

Breastfeeding a toddler while pregnant is not easy. I went into this with the full knowledge that it would be hard. But I didn't realize HOW hard. Once E and I figured out the whole breastfeeding thing, I committed myself to allowing him to self-wean. I have held the belief that that is what is best for him since he was about two months old. Now that E is 20 months old, I am starting to question that belief. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely still think it's best to let the child self-wean. And I would love for him to make the decision to stop when he is ready. But my body is starting to feel worn down. At 26 weeks pregnant, with my big belly in the way, breastfeeding is not the easy thing it used to be. My milk is more or less gone, and it has begun to change to colostrum. When E nurses, it's usually dry nursing. Dry nursing is not comfortable. It makes me restless. When he latches on, I often find myself wishing he would wean, or crying, or grimacing because that ini...

I sit here in my living room tonight, listening to mrblueberry get E ready for bed as baby #2 shows off his ninja skills in my belly, and I am happy. I truly am. I can't imagine my life any other way. Even through the toddler tantrums, and the lost sleep, and the one income lifestyle, I am happy. But sometimes, I find myself yearning for the other side of the fence. I look at friends' status updates on Facebook, and I wonder what I would be doing if I didn't get married, or if we had chosen to wait longer to have children. What would I be doing? Where would I be? Who would I be? Would I be happy? I think I know some of the answers to those questions, but not all. I know I would probably be teaching, likely still here in Edmonton. But I don't think I would be as happy. I think I would feel like something was missing. That there was something I still needed to do. Still, that doesn't stop the wondering. Sometimes, I really wish I had time to do something else with my ...