meditations of a blueberry

What do they see? Who do they see? I often wonder that when I pass someone on my runs (especially my 6 am runs ).  I remember back before embarking on this journey what I would think when I saw runners outside in the snow and cold: "they're crazy!" Is that what people see when they see me? Just another crazy runner? Someone who should really learn what a treadmill is? Or do they see more? Is it possible that, underneath all these layers, they can catch a glimpse of the person I see when I look in the mirror?   I wonder if they see the mother of two young children. The mother who has made choices for her children, like home birth , that do not quite fall into the realm of "mainstream." The teacher who has chosen to stay at home for those children, even though some days she misses the classroom and all those challenges. The mother who some days wonders if she made the right choices in her life . The mother who some days wonders if she is cut out to ...

Sometimes I look back on my life, and wonder if I made the right choices. Did I follow the right path? Did I choose the right forks in the road? Should I not have gone to university? Should I have started working right away instead of spending countless dollars for two pieces of paper? Was getting married the right choice? What about having a baby? Or having the second baby? Or staying home with the children? I must admit that I am lucky that I got to make these choices. I know there are many out there that don't get to do so. Still, I often wonder when I see my friends down completely different paths than I. Paths that don't include me as much as sometimes I wish they did. Should I be on those paths with them? I can't be the only one who does this. It's not regret, so much as wondering where I would be in the alternate world that I followed those other paths. But, I'll never know. Unlike the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books I used to read as a kid, I c...

In two days, I will have been on this journey to the BMO half-marathon in Vancouver for two months. It's sure been some ride so far. I have learned so much about what my body is capable of, and I am starting to see the strength that it used to have back when I was in high school. The weight is slowly dropping, and clothes that I thought were a lost cause are starting to fit again. I know I will never see my pre-pregnancy body though. And I am okay with that . I have the marks of a mother, and I wouldn't have it any other way. The stretch marks, the saggy skin in places, the little signs that I have had a baby, the body that just isn't shaped the way it used to be. These are my battle scars. Signs that I brought life into this world not once, but twice. Signs that my body stretched to unbelievable amounts and accommodated a 10 pound baby . No amount of training will get rid of them.  I am at peace with that. Changing that part of my body is not the goal of this training a...

2012. What a year. This year has brought so many wonderful things into my life. If I thought 2011 was good , well, 2012 was even better. Both 2011 and 2012 brought some heartache for the blueberries, but the good times sure outweighed the bad times. 2012 has been jam-packed full of changes. And it flew by even faster than 2011. How is that possible? Some days, I feel like I blinked and months went by. I find myself cherishing the time with my family more than I ever have, especially after the terrible tragedy a t Sandy Hook Elementary.   At any moment, everything can be taken away so quickly (though, not due to an apocalypse in 2012 as people thought the Mayans had predicted). I don't want to regret a second. Perhaps that apocalypse is still coming! So, what happened this year? I started blogging regularly and remembered that I love to write. I re-discovered the emotional outlet that writing can be and am so happy that I have made the time to continue doing it. Not only have I m...

It's not about the weight. This journey that I am on isn't about the pounds or inches that I will inevitably lose as I eat healthier and train to run 21 kilometers . It's really not. But, I can't help but get giddy as I see my body shrinking and the number on the scale going down. I can't help but feel excited when clothes that haven't fit since before I was pregnant with E fit again. I can't help but smile when I look into the mirror and see less of the belly that stretched beyond its capacity to carry a ten pound baby. But, it's not about the weight. What is this journey about then? Well, it's about the changes I'm FEELING rather than seeing. It's how just six short weeks ago, I couldn't even run for three minutes straight without feeling like I couldn't breathe, yet today, I ran for almost an hour (eight minutes running/one minute walking) and could have gone longer. It's about how carrying both boys (55 pounds!) out to ...

As I'm sure everyone knows, recently there was another shooting in a school. This time, it was in an elementary school. Sandy Hook elementary school in Connecticut. Twenty children and six adults lost their lives. I can't even begin to imagine sending my child to school, a place that is supposed to be a safe place, and not having him come home. I just don't understand it. I can't understand it. I'm not sure I will ever understand it. All those lives that were yet to be lived. All those firsts that never got to be--first kisses, first dances, first time driving a car, first jobs, first loves, graduations, weddings, babies, grandbabies. Children and parents. All gone. All because some guy got his hands on some guns and took out his frustrations on some innocent people. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children. No parent should know the grief of burying a child. Not one. And now there are twenty six more sets (for the children were not the only ones with...

The first step is the hardest. I've heard that said before, but I have never fully realized how true it is until today. This week has been hard to motivate myself to go run. On Saturday, I missed the group training session because A was completely inconsolable all day (seriously, ALL day). So, I ran on Sunday instead. On Wednesday, mother nature decided to kick me hard in the uterus. By the evening, I could barely move I was in so much pain. That continued on Thursday so when it was time to get up for my run, I turned my alarm off and went back to sleep. All day Thursday, I felt icky and like I was "cheating." So, last night I decided I would make up for it today. I would get up and go for my run in the morning, and then do my yoga in the afternoon. When I went to bed much too late, I was still determined. My alarm went off at 5:45 am and I just wanted to go back to sleep. But, my alarm was across the room so up I got to turn it off and just continued on out the room. G...