Who Do They See

What do they see? Who do they see? I often wonder that when I pass someone on my runs (especially my 6 am runs).  I remember back before embarking on this journey what I would think when I saw runners outside in the snow and cold: "they're crazy!" Is that what people see when they see me? Just another crazy runner? Someone who should really learn what a treadmill is? Or do they see more? Is it possible that, underneath all these layers, they can catch a glimpse of the person I see when I look in the mirror?  

I wonder if they see the mother of two young children. The mother who has made choices for her children, like home birth, that do not quite fall into the realm of "mainstream." The teacher who has chosen to stay at home for those children, even though some days she misses the classroom and all those challenges. The mother who some days wonders if she made the right choices in her life. The mother who some days wonders if she is cut out to be a mother.

Do they see the wife who is grateful for a supportive partner? The wife who loves the little things her husband does for her, whether it be a surprise Starbucks coffee or just folding the laundry. The wife who is thankful for an involved husband that doesn't just come home and sit on the couch. The wife who loves seeing her partner in the "daddy role" but who sometimes misses the passion and spontaneity that seems to have disappeared since the sleepless nights started.

Do they see the friend who misses her pre-baby friends terribly? The friend who wishes she could just hop in the car and go for coffee whenever she wants. The friend who feels like a bad friend for not being as available to her pre-baby friends as she once was. The friend who is eternally grateful for a supportive core who are at the same place in life as her. The friend who knows she would never survive without that support.

Do they see the woman who hates fundraising but has so far raised almost $1000? The woman who has stepped so far outside her comfort zone to ask family, friends, and businesses for donations. The woman who hates asking people for things. The woman who still has a long way to go to reach her goal. The woman who will have to step outside her comfort zone many more times to reach that goal.

Or, do they see someone who has never really committed to exercise before in her life and is yet outside in -20 C weather? Do they see the woman who is continually showing herself she is stronger than she ever thought capable? The woman who is pushing herself beyond her limits. The woman who knows that things don't come easy, but sometimes wishes that they did. The woman who still has a hard time referring to herself as a woman and not "just" a girl. Do they see the self-doubt that continuously tries to surface? The self-doubt that if she's not careful will overtake her? How could they? All they are seeing is a glimpse in time. They cannot see the mother, the teacher, the wife, the friend. They cannot see what I see. They cannot see who I am. All they can see is a runner. Another "crazy runner." I guess that makes me a runner after all. I may not have started this journey as a runner, but I just may finish it as one.