meditations of a blueberry

The countdown is on. I am 37 weeks pregnant today. That means that baby could "technically" come at any time (though, let's wait until my doulas are back home, ok baby?).  Pretty soon, this baby boy will be here! I'm sure it will seem like forever. I'm sure I will get even more uncomfortable (is that even possible?!). I'm sure that I will get grumpier. I'm sure I will get even bigger (the body continues to amaze me how much it stretches to accommodate a baby!). And, I'm sure that all too soon our little family of four will become a family of five.  Until then, though, I have to deal with all of the third trimester annoyances. Heartburn, achy and unstable hips, feeling heavy, waking up a bazillion times for the bathroom, being moody, not having any clothes to wear because your belly is too big but the rest of you is smaller (seriously manufacturers, bigger belly does not always equal bigger everywhere else!), not being able to get comfortable at night, ...

The third trimester is hard, especially in this third pregnancy. I can't physically do a lot of things that I was able to do even just a month ago. Simple things feel like a chore. Putting on my kids' shoes is almost impossible. Picking toys up off the floor feels like a hardcore workout. I have to sit in a chair at the counter to do dishes or prepare meals. Going up the stairs leaves me feeling breathless and needing a break. I can't even do my hair without getting tired! I feel useless when mrblueberry comes home and starts in on the cleaning and playing that I used to be able to do every day. I feel huge. Oh, who am I kidding? I am huge. And I am only going to get bigger. I'm constantly being told that I must be due any day now, when in reality I am not due for about 6 weeks. My body hurts in places that it did not hurt in during my previous pregnancies. I don't know if that's related to my prolapse or just because it's my third pregnancy. My heartbur...

This pregnancy has flown by. On Saturday, I will hit 34 weeks. That means that this little boy could join us anywhere from 4 weeks to 8 weeks. And as much as I sometimes wish I could speed up or slow down time, I know I can't. I have been trying desperately to get everything ready for when that happens, but my list doesn't seem to be getting shorter. I have been focusing so much on the stuff I need to do that I have neglected to do any mental and emotional preparation for the actual birth. Now, I'm staring down my guess date and realizing that this baby is coming whether I'm ready or not, and, to be honest, I'm a little afraid.  What am I afraid of? I've done this before--twice! And one of those times was a 10.5 lb baby born in my dining room! In my head, I know I can do this. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what my prolapse means for labour and birth. I'm afraid of something going wrong. I'm afraid I won't be able to push him out because...