Going Through the Motions

Today, I had an appointment with the PCN clinic to assess me and see what kind of help I would best benefit from. I was incredibly nervous going in to the point where I felt that I was going to cry in the waiting room. When the lady came in and asked me if it was ok if a student joined her, I reluctantly agreed and became even more nervous. They asked me all these questions, and I had no idea how to answer them. You see, I am not very good at verbalizing my feelings. And today was a good day. So when they asked what I meant when I said that I didn't feel like myself, I couldn't answer them. And it wasn't because I didn't know them. Mrblueberry has asked me to explain postpartum depression several times before and I haven't known what to say to him either. Whenever I've thought about depression in the past, I've always likened it to someone feeling very sad. But that isn't it at all. I went through a mild period of depression when I was on hormonal birth control in my late teens, so I should have realized that that isn't the case.

Depression is different for everyone. Some people do have the stereotypical sadness and crying. For me, I feel like I'm floundering. I feel like I've stumbled into a deep, dark hole and there is light at the top, but I just can't figure out how to climb out. I feel alone, even in a group of people. Usually, my days just pass me by and I feel like I'm just "going through the motions." I often don't really feel connected to anyone in my life, and find myself feeling like I'm floating alone in a sea of nothingness. Occasionally, I find myself feeling incredibly irritated for no reason. I lose my temper at the slightest transgression, and then I feel horrible afterwards. It is very much tied to my cycle, and I find myself feeling much worse depending upon the time of the month. I hate, hate, hate feeling like my body is being controlled by my hormones. I want to be in control and I don't want to fly off the handle at a moment's notice. I don't want people to feel like they are walking on eggshells around me!

I did my best to answer the questions from the ladies today, but I'm not sure I did very well. I just felt like at any moment they were going to accuse me of faking it. I suppose I'm always afraid of someone finding out who the real me is though. They are referring me to a program at the Royal Alexandra Hospital that focuses on all issues surrounding reproductive health including depression. They suggested that it is quite possible that my hormones are just completely out of whack. I should have my next appointment within 3 weeks, which seems like so long of a wait. Regardless, I have taken the first steps. I've reached out to my family and friends, and I really do feel supported. My last post brought so many messages from those who I hold dear in my heart to those I haven't seen since high school. Each one gave me hope that I will be able to dig my way out of this trench. So now I wait. And do what I can in the meantime to "take care of me." Whatever that may be. Because these guys deserve that, and so do I.