At Odds With Myself

Everything looks better in the morning. Yesterday was a very busy day preceded by a very hard night for both kids. I woke up feeling like the world was against me and that I needed to fight and claw my way through the day. I managed to shake that feeling for most of the day, but miscommunication kept arising in my life resulting in incredible frustration. Training last night consisted of running Emily Murphy Hill ten times, and I took out my frustrations on the hill, running 10 km of hills in almost the time it took me to run 10 km on flat! Finally, my day ended with a heartfelt phone call and conversation that left me feeling guilty for being who I am. A little sleep and a shower later, and I feel better. The fog has lifted off of my mind and I can once again see. Amazing what sleep does for us, isn't it? No wonder so many moms and dads have a tendency to be short with their kids (I know I do when sleep is evading me).

Ever wish that you were not a certain way? I don't mean in the physical sense. I'm sure there is something each of us would like to change about our bodies if we were able to. I mean in the personality sense. I sometimes wish that I wasn't who I am. I can be abrupt, abrasive, blunt, a bit controlling, and because I am also a bit of an introvert, I probably come off as a bitch at times (alphabetical order was unintentional!). It takes me awhile to warm up to people and feel comfortable. I don't make "instant friends." I hate "small talk." I wish that I could change that. I see all these comments about people who died too soon and how they were "gentle" and "kind." I wonder what people would say about me. I'm not sure gentle would be top of the list.

I hate when those parts of my personality come out. I find myself wishing I was different a lot. I find my personality is often at odds with itself. I can be blunt, but I have a hard time speaking up in a group. I am quiet in large groups until I get to know everyone, but if you sit down for coffee with just me, I can talk your ear off. When I get nervous, I either over share or clam up. I don't feel like I'm going to be 30 in just over a month and I often feel like a teenager. I am often in my own little world, completely oblivious to what's happening around me. Sometimes, it takes a minute for me to realize when someone is talking to me. It's like there's a disconnect in my brain, and by the time I realize it, those people have moved on or don't hear me reply to them. I have been making an effort to come out of my comfort zone in groups, but it's hard. It's a work in progress. And sometimes, it doesn't happen. 

I have noticed a trend in relation to being an introvert. When I don't take care of myself and my own needs, I have a harder time interacting with people. These past few months have been so incredibly busy with two kids, momstown, fundraising, and running. I haven't been able to take care of my own needs as well as I usually do. I need to remember that it is important for me to just sit and have some alone time. To read a book, to relax in the bath tub, to have some quiet time where I can just "be" in my own world. When I don't make the effort to do that, I start retreating when I am in groups more often. And, when I retreat to that world in groups (as fantastical as it may be), I begin to have problems with people who are not the same as I. While I don't care if everyone likes me, I don't want people to think that I don't like them just because I may not be as aware of what's going on around me. So, I need to remember to take care of myself too. As moms, I think we often forget that. We're so busy taking care of everyone and everything around us, that we forget that we have our own needs. And while I am taking care of my body by exercising and eating healthily, I also need to take care of my mind. So, for my kids, for my husband, and for my friends (both current, and future ones!) I need to remember that I am important too.