Still Learning
I have been breastfeeding for a grand total of 27 months and 2 days. You would think I would have figured it out by now. But no. I am still learning. A and E are complete opposites, and it throws me for a loop every, single day. When E was a baby, he wanted to nurse all the time. He was a major comfort nurser. If something was wrong, all I had to do was nurse him and he would be happy again. He would still comfort nurse to this day if I let him. Truthfully, I think that is why he didn't wean in pregnancy. Nursing isn't so much about the milk for him, as it is the comfort. On the other hand, A is NOT a comfort nurser. He nurses when he's hungry, and that's about it. If he's upset, he does NOT want to nurse. And if he's also hungry, I need to calm him first before trying to nurse him. If I don't, it just pisses him off more. It has been VERY hard to get used to. I still find myself trying to nurse him when he's upset even though I know it won't work. He rarely wants to nurse to sleep, unless he happens to be hungry. I had to nurse E to sleep for every nap and bedtime. A can put himself to sleep pretty much anywhere (at home at least). And even though I know this, I still find myself trying to nurse A to sleep.
Not only am I trying to get used to A's different nursing style, but I'm trying to get used to tandem nursing. To be honest, I find myself wavering about whether or not I want to continue it. Nursing A is no big deal. But it's quite odd to go from nursing my (giant) baby to nursing my toddler. I find myself often getting touched out when E nurses. It's not as bad as when I was pregnant, but it happens more often than I would like to admit. During those nursing sessions, I find myself telling him that I "don't want to nurse him anymore" and "why won't he just wean." Once or twice, I have even told him I hate nursing him. What kind of terrible mother says that!? It's one thing to think it, but to actually say it to your child who understands what you are saying? To be honest, I am ashamed to admit it. Some people may say that I should just wean him. But I can't. I strongly believe in letting him self-wean and that is what is keeping me going. E only nurses once or twice a day, and some days he doesn't nurse at all. I have put boundaries up. He doesn't always get to nurse when he asks (though I notice he usually only asks now if he is really tired or hurt). I rarely nurse him anywhere but at home. So, it's not like he's still nursing like a newborn. And he gets so excited when I tell him "yes" when he asks to nurse. His entire face just lights up and he says, "Share me? Peese!" And maybe there is a selfish reason I don't want to force weaning (yet). My little baby has grown into such a little boy. He's a rough and tumble boy who is always busy. In those few moments when he nurses, he's my little baby again. Even if only for three or four minutes. So, while there are hard nursing sessions, there are many more where I just sit and remember how little he used to be. One day, he will be grown and I will miss these days. I want to cherish them, even if some days I can't stand it.
Not only am I trying to get used to A's different nursing style, but I'm trying to get used to tandem nursing. To be honest, I find myself wavering about whether or not I want to continue it. Nursing A is no big deal. But it's quite odd to go from nursing my (giant) baby to nursing my toddler. I find myself often getting touched out when E nurses. It's not as bad as when I was pregnant, but it happens more often than I would like to admit. During those nursing sessions, I find myself telling him that I "don't want to nurse him anymore" and "why won't he just wean." Once or twice, I have even told him I hate nursing him. What kind of terrible mother says that!? It's one thing to think it, but to actually say it to your child who understands what you are saying? To be honest, I am ashamed to admit it. Some people may say that I should just wean him. But I can't. I strongly believe in letting him self-wean and that is what is keeping me going. E only nurses once or twice a day, and some days he doesn't nurse at all. I have put boundaries up. He doesn't always get to nurse when he asks (though I notice he usually only asks now if he is really tired or hurt). I rarely nurse him anywhere but at home. So, it's not like he's still nursing like a newborn. And he gets so excited when I tell him "yes" when he asks to nurse. His entire face just lights up and he says, "Share me? Peese!" And maybe there is a selfish reason I don't want to force weaning (yet). My little baby has grown into such a little boy. He's a rough and tumble boy who is always busy. In those few moments when he nurses, he's my little baby again. Even if only for three or four minutes. So, while there are hard nursing sessions, there are many more where I just sit and remember how little he used to be. One day, he will be grown and I will miss these days. I want to cherish them, even if some days I can't stand it.
Comments