Motherhood After Babies

Years ago when the only little I was chasing around was E, I went on a few babywearing walks. On one such walk, we took a break at a playground for the bigger littles to play and while I was nursing E, I overheard a conversation that has stuck with me since. A wonderful and wise mama was having a conversation about being finished having children. She said she had expressed possibly wanting more children when her partner said to her, "there is more to being a mom than pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding." (it was a long time ago, I may have the exact wording slightly wrong.) For years, those words have rattled around in my head, but I didn't truly understand them until now.

Tonight, I took the crib down and changed it into a toddler bed for the last time. And although we didn't use it much with Miss A, it was still a symbol of babyhood that remained in my bedroom. The symbols of babyhood are slowly leaving my house. Baby clothes here, infant bucket seat there, baby swing over there. And regardless of the low amount we used the crib with all babies, it is a big one. This crib has been set up nearly nonstop for over 7 years. Tonight when I walked into my room and saw instead the toddler bed, my heart fluttered.

My babies are growing.

My babies are growing and very soon there won't be any babies left in our home. 

Where does that leave me?

Motherhood has so far been defined by pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. Now, the time for 2/3 of those have passed. Only breastfeeding remains, and while I'm in it for the long haul as long as she wants, the end is near.

Part of me yearns for another baby (not possible), but does that part actually yearn for another child? I don't think so. I think it yearns for the feeling of creating life, for the excitement and wonder of a new baby, for the feeling of being totally relied on by someone. But the rest of me knows that there's more to babies than that. Babies are more than the promise of a new life. More than the heavenly smell that drifts into your senses. More than diapers and nursing and rocking in the chair late at night. It also knows that my babies keep getting bigger and 11 lb 6 oz was big enough for me!

What is motherhood after babies? What does it look like? What wonders and difficulties await? What challenges lie ahead? Who will my babies become? Who will I become? I'm not sure, but I do know I'm very close to finding out.