You Are Not My Friend

Dear postpartum depression,

You are not my friend.

But I have come to realize that you are my constant companion.

Not a welcomed companion, mind you, but a companion nonetheless.

No matter what I do or say, you will be there.

At what point do you cease to be postpartum depression and just become depression? Because if I'm being honest, you have always been there in some capacity since I was a teenager. Sometimes laying in wait for the perfect moment to show yourself again, letting me believe that you have gone and I have won. Sometimes hiding in the shadows, reaching out with your long fingers caressing my soul and whispering your evil little nothings. Sometimes screaming your lies in my face while your talons dig deep into my heart and mind. Sometimes I've been able to ignore or fight, and sometimes I've succumbed to your attempts to discourage and destroy me and needed someone to come help me fight you.

But now, I've realized that you are always there. Just like the sun and the moon, you are a daily part of my life. I have come to realize that some days will be dark. And just like the dark clouds that sometimes cover the sun, some days/weeks/months you will dig your claws into my soul and drag me out into the deep sea of depression. Today, I am on the shore, but I know there will be another day when my arms are flailing and I feel the cold, churning water of the deep sea. But, the joke will be on you, my unwelcome constant companion. Since I have acknowledged your presence in my life, I will be ready with tools to bring me back to shore. It may not happen immediately, it may take me awhile to recognize your grip, but it will happen. I will shake off your grip on my soul. I will quiet your lies. I will make it back to the shore.

You will not win.