I Have Moved On

I've moved on.

From the baby stage. From the nonstop diaper changing and being the sole source of nourishment. From the endless nights of clusterfeeding. From the pregnancy heartburn. From the feeling of a baby digging its foot into my ribs. From torpedo bellies. From not being able to see my toes. From not being allowed to sleep on my stomach. From strangers' inappropriate questions. From nonstop leaky breasts.

I've moved on.

And yet, I linger.

In the sweet baby squish that still remains. In the smell that I can still faintly smell amongst her baby fine hair. In her still pudgy little fingers and toes. In the way she still snuggles into me, like I am the only one there. In the eyelashes that rest against her cheeks as she sleeps. In the memory of how it felt to carry life within. In the urgency of her latch when she's tired and is looking for more than just nourishment for her belly. In the lines and marks that pregnancy graced me with as a reminder to the miracle it performed.

Yes, I linger and I feel an ache that I am sure will be all too familiar to many other mothers.

No more babies. No more squish. No more sweet, sweet baby smell wafting my way each day. No more watching my belly as a little life grows within. No more baby firsts. No more feeling those first little flutters of a new life within.

I ache.

And yet, I've moved on.

On to the next stage of toddlers and big kids. On to dirty feet and sticky hands. On to running and laughing and playing. On to watching as these humans continue to grow and change right before my eyes. On to bike riding and sports playing. On to challenging me in ways that I haven't even imagined. On to loving even bigger and brighter. On to no diapers (eventually). On to growing independence.

Yes, all that lies ahead and more.

But until then, I will linger and hold on in these last moments of baby. They are fading fast.