Even Good Mothers Lose Their Cool

This too shall pass. 

I remind myself of this near constant mantra as the 1.5 year old has yet another tantrum. Not sure the cause of this one, but as usual, he seeks out the nearest wall and floor to smash his head against it. Then, he runs to me to hit me and smash his head against my body. I sigh, and tell him, yet again, that I won't let him hit me and move my body out of his reach. I've been telling him the same thing for months, but it hasn't seemed to get through to him. Every tantrum he does the same things just like clockwork. This too shall pass, I tell myself again as he reaches up to me and I scoop him up and attempt to cradle him in my arms. But that is a lost cause as he throws his body back and squirms out of my arms. It is like trying to comfort a pissed off octopus. Just like usual. It has been a long few months.

Pregnancy hormones don't make this whole parenting thing any easier. 

I am trying to teach my children about kindness. I am trying to teach them to respond to people kindly and to love them despite their flaws. Instead, I want to scream and yell and walk out the door, never to return. But I don't. Not this time anyway. 

Sometimes I do scream and yell. Sometimes the days and nights have been much too long and I just can't contain it anymore. Sometimes the tantrums from all three kids are simply overwhelming. My emotions get the better of me, my voice rises much too loud, and the words that escape my mouth are not the kind words I want my children to hear. Those are the moments when I find myself feeling like I made the wrong choices in my life. Those are the moments when I wonder why I decided to have even just one child, never mind four. What was I thinking? Those are the moments when I question my goal of parenting my children gently with guidance, love, and kindness. Those are the moments that I question my ability to be a good parent. Surely if I were a good mother, I wouldn't lose my cool as often as I have recently.

A good mother. 

What is that anyway? Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all only human. And human beings are emotional beings. A good mother doesn't go through her days never losing her cool. A good mother isn't the picture of calm every moment of every day. She doesn't have everything figured out and she doesn't have all the answers. No, a good mother is not a robot. Instead, a good mother is one who recognizes her shortcomings. Sometimes, she may scream and yell and lose her cool. Sometimes she says things that she doesn't actually mean. Sometimes, she is embarrassed by her reactions. But she does the best she can and apologizes when she makes mistakes. In doing this, she is teaching her kids that it is okay to make mistakes and it's okay to have emotions. Kind people make mistakes. Kind people lose their cool. Even good mothers make mistakes and lose their cool. Because what really is a good mother? A good mother is one who loves her kids. Full stop.