meditations of a blueberry

Tonight I sat in my boys' room as the 4 year old was dreaming away, and the 2 year old was trying to go to sleep and relished the sound of the deep breathing of two of my greatest joys. As I sat there, the unborn child stretched out reminding me of his existence too (you know, just in case I had forgotten) and I was brought back to my birth experiences with both boys. I recounted how my water broke with E and how we went to the hospital so early . I remembered feeling out of control and stuck, especially when they brought out the forceps. And I remembered how completely amazing it was to hold him and look in his eyes for the first time, even if he was so tightly swaddled all I could see was his face! I then thought back to my experience with A and how completely different it was . I remembered feeling in control as I listened to my body tell me what it needed. I remembered feeling scared and worried too that I wouldn't be able to push him out. I remembered having to fight that ...

There is something about the last weeks of pregnancy that just reinforces that sometimes you must give up control and sometimes you truly just do not have any control at all. Analyzing every twinge and tightening as you await labour to start only makes things more clear. Waiting for labour truly reminds us of how we are not in any way in control of this thing called life. Oh, we try. We try to control it with so-called natural induction techniques. Drink red raspberry leaf tea. Go for walks. Use evening primrose oil. Get an induction massage. Have sex. Eat spicy food. Eat fresh pineapple.  Drink castor oil (do not actually do that!). There's so many old wives' tales for naturally inducing labour out there, that I don't even know them all! But in the end, none of this will work if baby and body are not ready. We truly are not in control. And it bothers us to no end. So, we have more medically inclined techniques that we often fall on when we hit that uncomfortable stage. Sw...

Tomorrow, I will be 38 weeks pregnant. I am excited, sore, tired (no, exhausted), and starting to get very irritable. I am trying hard to not let the irritation overtake me, but I definitely have felt it creep in more than I would like. I keep being told to stay active, yet to rest. I don't really know what these people think when they say that. I am tired of people being surprised when I tell them I'm due, or saying that I must be uncomfortable, or telling me I am huge and that it must be twins, etc, etc, etc. Last pregnancy, I felt incredible irritation at those comments. This time though I am finding myself more able to just smile and nod at them. Perhaps it's because I realize that these people mean well, or perhaps it's because I just don't care anymore what they say. I hope it's an indication that I am doing better at handling my emotions and that that means I won't have to fight with PPD this time.  I look around and see all of the signs of kids...