meditations of a blueberry

Have you ever had one of those months when it doesn't seem like anything is going right? That was pretty much my whole summer. And it culminated with a week of heart ache, frustration, and emotion. To top it off, mrblueberry wasn't even home, though he was where he needed to be. In my own haze, I made a mistake. I missed replying to a text. A simple mistake, but one that I regret. A friend was in need, and I failed her. I've always tried to be there for friends, no matter my own situation at the time. This time it didn't happen. I guess this summer hit me harder than I thought.  Between everything that happened though, I managed to find myself again. I still lose her from time to time, but more often than not, when I look in the mirror, she's there. I'm not sure how I found her,  but somewhere amidst the camping and focusing on my family, she emerged bright and beautiful. I have learned some of my triggers that sends her away too which has made a difference in k...

Gratitude. Being grateful.  Appreciating what you have and not focusing on what you don't have. What does being grateful mean to you? Are you grateful every day? Is it something that you actively make a part of your life? Do you actively appreciate something every day or do you focus on what you can't or don't have? I have been doing the latter lately , and it has started to bring me down. I've been putting so much energy and thoughts into how things have been going wrong for me that I've been completely missing all the wonderful things that are going right. So, I've decided to start a gratitude journal . I've wanted to do it before, and I've started before. But, like many things in my life, I never follow through with it. This time I want to succeed. I've read that a gratitude journal can help with depression, and if it helps just a little, I want to do it. To make sure I stay accountable to it, I'm going to record it here once a we...

In the dark world of postpartum depression , there are good days, bad days, and mediocre days. On a good day, I feel fantastic. I feel like all of the darkness is a figment of my cruel imagination. I smile. I laugh. I feel peace. But on the bad days, I search for the light only to be met with dark. I'm alone in a never ending train tunnel, a deep chasm in the middle of night, a bottomless well with no visible way to get out no matter what I do. On the bad days, the rage boils under the surface and I feel like there is not a soul out there who understands. Most days, though, are mediocre. Most days have moments of light interspersed with dark. Most days I try to push through the dark and hold on to those moments of light. But, it can be so hard. There has been a lot of dark recently. These past few months have not been kind to me. From my injured knee to my uterine prolapse to postpartum depression to a constantly breaking down vehicle, I have felt like the world is out t...