meditations of a blueberry

Today, I had an appointment with the PCN clinic to assess me and see what kind of help I would best benefit from. I was incredibly nervous going in to the point where I felt that I was going to cry in the waiting room. When the lady came in and asked me if it was ok if a student joined her, I reluctantly agreed and became even more nervous. They asked me all these questions, and I had no idea how to answer them. You see, I am not very good at verbalizing my feelings. And today was a good day. So when they asked what I meant when I said that I didn't feel like myself, I couldn't answer them. And it wasn't because I didn't know them. Mrblueberry has asked me to explain postpartum depression several times before and I haven't known what to say to him either. Whenever I've thought about depression in the past, I've always likened it to someone feeling very sad. But that isn't it at all. I went through a mild period of depression when I was on hormonal birt...

Ever feel like you're floating in a sea of nothingness utterly alone? That's how I've been feeling. Occasionally, I feel and see others around me, but most of the time I feel like everyone is pushing me aside and ignoring me. I look around and see everyone going on with their lives, and here I am, standing in silent despair. I feel like nobody notices how furiously and desperately I am treading the stormy water that is my life. I just feel so damn alone . It's an odd feeling to feel that way when you are surrounded by so many people who care for you. I don't understand, and I feel terrible that I can't just "perk up" and get over it. Postpartum depression sucks. There is no other word for it. It sucks the life and happiness right out of me. I have brief moments of joy and happiness, but those moments don't often last long. My boys and family do make me happy, but I'm not sure I really feel that happiness. It is almost like I am looking ...

Sitting here in the blistering heat yesterday, I couldn't help but glance over at my medal and finishing picture from the BMO Vancouver Half Marathon . You would think that seeing it would be a reminder of the strength of my body. Instead, it was a reminder of its weaknesses. I didn't think about the hours and hours and hours of training I put in. I didn't think about the hundreds of kilometers I ran in preparation for running 21.1 kilometers. I didn't think about the thousands of dollars that I raised for blood cancer research for Team in Training . No, I didn't think about any of that. All I could think about when I see that medal are the weaknesses my body is now showing . I thought about the knee that is not yet fully healed (though close!). I thought about the abs that continue to be separated despite my dedication to doing the physiotherapy exercises. I thought about the prolapsed uterus that plagues my mind and makes me fearful for future pregnancies and bir...