The Cusp of Toddlerhood

As I lay in my bed tonight, the soft breathing of a baby on the cusp of toddlerhood surrounds me. She's insisting on snuggles on my chest. Her sweet, chubby, little hand is gripping tightly to my necklace as her body stretches out along my own. The little curl by her ear is visible in the glow of my screen and the tips of her eyelashes flutter close to the top of her cheeks. One year ago, I was simultaneously cherishing the last moments of pregnancy and wishing she would make her appearance soon. And now, I find myself wondering what time has done with my baby.

It wasn't very long ago that I roared a squishy, 11 lb 6 oz baby girl into this world in my kitchen. Surrounded by love, strength, and support, I surrendered and learned how powerful I truly was. I learned what the true power of WOMAN was.  Surrounded by other strong women, I dug deep inside myself and found a power that I didn't believe I had. Bringing a baby into the world, no matter how one does it, is always such a miracle. And now, that squishy little one who stuck her tongue out before she cried is walking, starting to talk, and full of incredible personality. She cheers when her dad and brother get home and insists they give her a hug. She wants to be right in on the action playing with her brothers. She loves food. She dances. She makes my heart sing.

Miss A is our last baby. The last year has been full of bittersweet last first smiles and last first steps. Last first words. Last first giggles. And as we come up on our last first birthday, the realization of the responsibility of having a daughter is hitting me. I am her first role model as to how to be a woman. Me. A woman who is fighting her own demons. I can only hope that she will see past that and that I can be a good role model for her to become the kind of woman this world needs. I wonder who I will look at 20 years down the road when I see her.

Who will she be?

Will she be a woman who struggles or one who is strong? A woman who fights for those who need it or one who knows how to ask for help? A woman who stands up for what she believes in? A woman who holds up others? A woman who supports and encourages? A woman who doesn't take shit? A woman who is kind? A woman who is persistent and stubborn?

I don't know. Only time will tell.

All I know is that right now, this sweet baby is on the cusp of toddlerhood and that I am indulging in all the baby I can before it is gone. More and more, the baby is slipping away. But holding onto babyhood is like trying to catch a butterfly. You may be able to for a short while if you're calm and quiet, but if you try to grip too tightly or aren't quiet enough, it slips through your fingers and flutters away. So, I will snuggle the baby that remains while I can and then embrace the crazy toddler that will soon replace her.

Life moves on, and oh is it ever glorious.