The Last Firsts and Other Things
The sun has set on the first day of 2017. A new year lays before our feet, an old year behind us. That old year holds plenty of pain and despair for many people. So much destruction, sickness, and hurt in so many lives, both near and far. It was hard to not think 2016 was out to get the world.
But not all was bad with 2016.
At least, not in our home.
Our year held wonder and joy with the birth of our Miss A, the last little life that will grow in and be nourished by my body. I've watched as she grows, a bittersweet smile on my face. Her firsts are my last firsts. Her first breath in my arms was my last first breath. The last time I will wait with baited breath, overjoyed for those sweet cries. The last time I will ever latch a brand new baby onto my breast, bracing myself for the deep, scrambling latch of a hungry newborn. The last time I will feel a newborn bob around looking desperately for my nipple..Her first smiles were my last first smiles. Her first belly laughs were my last first belly laughs. Bittersweet. At almost 10 months, she is the source of so much happiness and frustration that only a baby can bring. She balances out our crazy house full of boys just perfectly. It's as if the universe knew exactly what we needed.
But it's going way too fast.
I find myself holding her longer, refusing to put her down to sleep in case that is the moment she turns from a baby into a toddler. I'm beginning to realize that this 6.5 year breastfeeding journey that I have been on will have an end soon. Maybe not in a year, maybe not even in 2 years, but she will be the last.
So, as I sit here on the couch, with her sleeping in my lap rather than in her bed, I cherish this last year for the lessons it taught me. It may have been hard, and it may have been broken. It may have been cold and scary and painful. But it was ours. We made it through. I'm grateful that 2016 was much more gentle on my family than on so many others (2015 was not so gentle for us, though even it was gentle in comparison to 2016 for so many).
I wonder what is in store for us in this brand new year. What new and exciting things will we experience and see as we move from the baby stage for the last time? What will it be like to experience the toddler years without being pregnant or having a newborn? I have no idea. This is a whole new experience for me.
And I welcome it with open arms.
But not all was bad with 2016.
At least, not in our home.
Our year held wonder and joy with the birth of our Miss A, the last little life that will grow in and be nourished by my body. I've watched as she grows, a bittersweet smile on my face. Her firsts are my last firsts. Her first breath in my arms was my last first breath. The last time I will wait with baited breath, overjoyed for those sweet cries. The last time I will ever latch a brand new baby onto my breast, bracing myself for the deep, scrambling latch of a hungry newborn. The last time I will feel a newborn bob around looking desperately for my nipple..Her first smiles were my last first smiles. Her first belly laughs were my last first belly laughs. Bittersweet. At almost 10 months, she is the source of so much happiness and frustration that only a baby can bring. She balances out our crazy house full of boys just perfectly. It's as if the universe knew exactly what we needed.
But it's going way too fast.
I find myself holding her longer, refusing to put her down to sleep in case that is the moment she turns from a baby into a toddler. I'm beginning to realize that this 6.5 year breastfeeding journey that I have been on will have an end soon. Maybe not in a year, maybe not even in 2 years, but she will be the last.
So, as I sit here on the couch, with her sleeping in my lap rather than in her bed, I cherish this last year for the lessons it taught me. It may have been hard, and it may have been broken. It may have been cold and scary and painful. But it was ours. We made it through. I'm grateful that 2016 was much more gentle on my family than on so many others (2015 was not so gentle for us, though even it was gentle in comparison to 2016 for so many).
I wonder what is in store for us in this brand new year. What new and exciting things will we experience and see as we move from the baby stage for the last time? What will it be like to experience the toddler years without being pregnant or having a newborn? I have no idea. This is a whole new experience for me.
And I welcome it with open arms.
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