meditations of a blueberry

I tell my kids all the time that they can't control what others do and say, only how they react to it. When someone says mean words or treats me poorly (whether meaning to or not), I get to choose how to react. I get to choose whether I let those words seep into my soul, affecting my entire day, week, month or whether those words bounce off of me. I get to choose whether those words become part of my story or not. When someone hurts me, either physically, emotionally, or mentally, I get to choose. It's up to me how I react. Do I let it colour my day, my life, infecting myself and, consequently, how I treat others? Or do I tell myself that, yes, it hurt, but I am bigger and will not let it hurt me more by passing it on to someone else? It is hard. So hard. Someone said to me once that this lets the other person get away with whatever they have done. That it doesn't "punish" them for their wrongdoing. But that's so far from the truth. Just because I refus...

I am so bad at this friend thing. When I make a friend, a real friend, it's for life. I will fight for them. I will give everything I am able to give to them. I will do whatever I can for them, whenever I can. I will be there to listen at 3 in the morning when they are hurt and I will cheer with them when they are happy. I will rejoice for them when things are going their way and I will mourn with them when they don't. But I'm so bad at the friend thing. I'm socially awkward, flitting around the outskirts, never feeling like I was truly fitting in. Always have been, even in high school. It takes a long time for me to connect with people, and I'm always wondering if I am being judged for all my flaws. If people are just being kind to me, or if they actually like me. I have some wonderful friends who I know love me, but they already know all my flaws. They know that I will sometimes cancel on things that I have agreed to attend (especially something in the evening,...

The sun has set on the first day of 2017. A new year lays before our feet, an old year behind us. That old year holds plenty of pain and despair for many people. So much destruction, sickness, and hurt in so many lives, both near and far. It was hard to not think 2016 was out to get the world. But not all was bad with 2016. At least, not in our home. Our year held wonder and joy with the birth of our Miss A, the last little life that will grow in and be nourished by my body. I've watched as she grows, a bittersweet smile on my face. Her firsts are my last firsts. Her first breath in my arms was my last first breath. The last time I will wait with baited breath, overjoyed for those sweet cries. The last time I will ever latch a brand new baby onto my breast, bracing myself for the deep, scrambling latch of a hungry newborn. The last time I will feel a newborn bob around looking desperately for my nipple..Her first smiles were my last first smiles. Her first belly laughs were m...