Hiding From Myself
I have been hiding.
I have plenty of started blog posts. Posts about parenting and children and the reality of being a mom. Posts about life and living. Posts about pain and hurt and wondering why.
But I never seem to finish them.
Even this post I have opened and closed several times, writing a sentence here, deleting a sentence there. Never quite finding exactly the right words for what I want to say, what I need to say.
I have been hiding.
We have just come out of a cold snap. Weeks of weather so cold, warnings about skin freezing in minutes accompanied the weather forecast each day. It took longer to bundle up for our daily walk to the bus stop than it did to actually walk there. Layers upon layers of clothing covered our bodies as we stepped into the frozen air. We were so focused on how cold it was that we didn't notice how dark and quiet it was. Our walk home was always brisk as we rushed our bodies home, eager to be inside our warm house. Then we'd get home and shed our layers of winter clothes, exposing our bare skin once again.
I have been hiding.
It's easy to hide in the winter. Hats and scarves cover your face. Big, bulky coats cover your body. Are you even dressed for the day underneath? Nobody but you knows! Staying inside is easy and almost expected when the temperature drops so low. Who would be crazy enough to go out unless necessary in -40 C?
I have been hiding.
The last month has consisted of children who have been going through frustrating phases that have brought me to tears more than once. A teething baby has resulted in broken and minimal sleep. A toddler deep in the throes of the terrible twos has resulted in broken toys and an almost broken mama. A preschooler testing boundaries has become a rude, disrespectful child that regularly triggers me and sends me into a spiral of frustration. A 6 year old who is learning to control his temper that he came by quite honestly. A mother who just can't seem to hold herself together. So many issues, so much frustration. I feel like a failure of a mother every day lately.
I have been hiding.
My heart has been screaming at me, but I've been hiding. My soul has been urging me to reach out from this lonely place it is in, but I've been hiding. My spirit is broken and crying, reaching out to me, but I've been hiding. My body is aching for me to accept it as it is, but I've been hiding. Hiding from the fear of failure. Hiding from the loneliness. Hiding from judgemental eyes. Hiding from anyone who would point out what I'm clearly doing wrong or different. Hiding from the world. Hiding from myself.
I'm not hiding anymore.
Tonight, on the winter solstice, on my favourite night of the year, I am coming out of hiding. I am going to stand in my truth. Yes, I'm a crappy parent some of the time. But I'm also a pretty awesome one at other times. Yes, I am lonely, but that's just what life is right now. Yes, I have made bad decisions. Yes, I have yelled and screamed and lost my cool, but I have apologized to my kids. Yes, I still love my kids beyond belief. Yes, my kids are going through hard times, but I will remember that these are just hard days, not a hard life.
This is me. Flaws and all.
I have plenty of started blog posts. Posts about parenting and children and the reality of being a mom. Posts about life and living. Posts about pain and hurt and wondering why.
But I never seem to finish them.
Even this post I have opened and closed several times, writing a sentence here, deleting a sentence there. Never quite finding exactly the right words for what I want to say, what I need to say.
I have been hiding.
We have just come out of a cold snap. Weeks of weather so cold, warnings about skin freezing in minutes accompanied the weather forecast each day. It took longer to bundle up for our daily walk to the bus stop than it did to actually walk there. Layers upon layers of clothing covered our bodies as we stepped into the frozen air. We were so focused on how cold it was that we didn't notice how dark and quiet it was. Our walk home was always brisk as we rushed our bodies home, eager to be inside our warm house. Then we'd get home and shed our layers of winter clothes, exposing our bare skin once again.
I have been hiding.
It's easy to hide in the winter. Hats and scarves cover your face. Big, bulky coats cover your body. Are you even dressed for the day underneath? Nobody but you knows! Staying inside is easy and almost expected when the temperature drops so low. Who would be crazy enough to go out unless necessary in -40 C?
I have been hiding.
The last month has consisted of children who have been going through frustrating phases that have brought me to tears more than once. A teething baby has resulted in broken and minimal sleep. A toddler deep in the throes of the terrible twos has resulted in broken toys and an almost broken mama. A preschooler testing boundaries has become a rude, disrespectful child that regularly triggers me and sends me into a spiral of frustration. A 6 year old who is learning to control his temper that he came by quite honestly. A mother who just can't seem to hold herself together. So many issues, so much frustration. I feel like a failure of a mother every day lately.
I have been hiding.
My heart has been screaming at me, but I've been hiding. My soul has been urging me to reach out from this lonely place it is in, but I've been hiding. My spirit is broken and crying, reaching out to me, but I've been hiding. My body is aching for me to accept it as it is, but I've been hiding. Hiding from the fear of failure. Hiding from the loneliness. Hiding from judgemental eyes. Hiding from anyone who would point out what I'm clearly doing wrong or different. Hiding from the world. Hiding from myself.
I'm not hiding anymore.
Tonight, on the winter solstice, on my favourite night of the year, I am coming out of hiding. I am going to stand in my truth. Yes, I'm a crappy parent some of the time. But I'm also a pretty awesome one at other times. Yes, I am lonely, but that's just what life is right now. Yes, I have made bad decisions. Yes, I have yelled and screamed and lost my cool, but I have apologized to my kids. Yes, I still love my kids beyond belief. Yes, my kids are going through hard times, but I will remember that these are just hard days, not a hard life.
This is me. Flaws and all.
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