meditations of a blueberry

I have been hiding. I have plenty of started blog posts. Posts about parenting and children and the reality of being a mom. Posts about life and living. Posts about pain and hurt and wondering why. But I never seem to finish them. Even this post I have opened and closed several times, writing a sentence here, deleting a sentence there. Never quite finding exactly the right words for what I want to say, what I need to say. I have been hiding. We have just come out of a cold snap. Weeks of weather so cold, warnings about skin freezing in minutes accompanied the weather forecast each day. It took longer to bundle up for our daily walk to the bus stop than it did to actually walk there. Layers upon layers of clothing covered our bodies as we stepped into the frozen air. We were so focused on how cold it was that we didn't notice how dark and quiet it was. Our walk home was always brisk as we rushed our bodies home, eager to be inside our warm house. Then we'd get home and...

So, you just had a baby. Your first. Your heart is flowing with love for this little life that you created (or not! Sometimes it takes longer to bond for some moms, and that's okay too!). You're on your way home from the hospital (or snuggling in your bed post homebirth). You know your life is going to change, but you have no idea how much. Laundry will pile up and be a permanent fixture in your home. The odd time that you finish it, your child will immediately spill something or their diaper will leak or they'll spit up all down your back. Your walls will never be clean for more than five minutes again. If you're lucky, you will get to clean them when the kids aren't home and they will stay clean for as long as they are gone. "I'm hungry" and "Why?" will become the soundtrack to your life. A trip to the grocery store alone will feel like a vacation. In fact, you will start considering that "me time." You will be so tired that ...