meditations of a blueberry

Miss A turns 2 tomorrow. We have moved out of babyhood, and are fully into toddlerhood. For the first time, I will have a 2 year old without a newborn. And I gotta say, it is loads easier dealing with toddlers when you don't have a newborn or giant belly to carry around too. I don't know how I did it. How did I ever manage to get through the days? There were some dark days. Some days that I am not sure how I made it through. But I did. And now I have my last baby officially exiting the baby years. I look over to her sleeping on the couch, and I realize that soon the naps, the diapers, the breastfeeding, and the babywearing will all slowly disappear. One day, I'll realize that she hasn't nursed in weeks. That she hasn't asked to go "uppy" in months. That she hasn't napped in weeks. We have passed so many last firsts, and now so many last lasts are on the horizon. The last time she asks for "nannies." The la...

The sun has set on the first days of 2018. Gone is 2017 with its challenges and lessons. Gone is the pain and hurt and confusion. 2017 was full of difficult personal challenges, but I made it through by putting one foot in front of the other. As Dory says, by keeping on swimming. Because the alternative was not an option. I'm glad to see 2018 because there were moments that I pictured myself just walking off into the darkness leaving all that mattered behind me. The only reason I'm still standing here is because I knew that wasn't an option and I fought through it all. I enter 2018 with a renewed awareness of the world and myself. 2018 brings not a new me, because the old me is just fine, but an acceptance of who I am. I have learned and accepted that depression is probably not getting off this ride with me. When I turn 80, I'm sure depression will still be right there. An eternal (unwanted) life partner. A constant companion. Sometimes whispering its lies so they w...